Once

Lukas Graham

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jErJimwom94&sns=em

Everything

I don't know. I guess when a big event happens in your life you're supposed to reevaluate. Not everyone does I guess. Not everyone cares. Last week my mom lost one of her best friends unexpectedly. She was family to me so it's been hard. It makes you, or should make you, realize life is short and the ones you care about should be made a priority. 

Now that I think about this situation, it literally didn't hit me until I was typing this, that I'm NOT a priority to some people. Some people will never realize, even when it's gone, what they had. 

After this evening, when once again my sister said some incredibley hurtful things to me and even brought my niece into it; expressing that after discussions (you know; her opinions) my niece never wanted to see me again, once again I'm the bad guy. 

I'm so tired of being blamed for having a good life because someone has a shitry one. Your shitty life isn't my fault. I'm done walking on eggshells and acting like we can fix things because on a normal level..this person is far from normal. I get guilt and regret but I also don't blame my regret on someone else. 

I guess, moral of the story is I'm just tired. I'm tired of being blamed for having a productive life. Who would have thought that would be something to wish away?

Weight and acceptance

I've been going to this really great bootcamp for the past few weeks at Body by Design. I found it based on a Groupon and it is one of the hardest things I've ever done but it's just what I needed as a change up in my routine.

I can tell I feel better, I've lost a pants size, but the scale isn't moving. We all know I have a problem with that.  My personal trainer is telling me to get rid of my scale and I can't bring myself to do it. I don't have the luxury of someone who has been naturally thin all my life. I don't have the mind set of someone who can just say "who cares what the scale says" because for a long time I didn't weigh myself and I got to 290 lbs. This, right now, is simply not an option and I know Taylor really cares about seeing me succeed but he has a lot of work ahead of him, and I'm not sure he understands that a lot of it is mental.

I've heard twice this week about me getting smaller and no matter what I do, I look in that mirror and see the same fat girl that has always been there. I simply don't know if that will ever go away. 

Musings

I'm not sure why this came to be, but why not, I guess? I was looking at my ring tonight and I thought about grade school, and being an adult, and what I thought that might mean. Partly, I think, because one of the friends I'm speaking of now went to grade school with me. 

It's odd  me right now, because almost all of my close friends are in the process of getting divorced. And so I think back to what put that ring on my finger, and what's left and put back on the ring on my mom's finger; and it's just a weird reality check to hear my friends are getting divorced. So that is my weird news report of the day. 

I know it isn't black and white. I know that being married doesn't lead to divorce. It's hard work, regardless. I just hope that if I have children, I show them the reality vs the glass slipper.

In other, less depressing news, I got a groupon for a month of unlimited boot camps and I'm killing it. It's so great. I'm sore, literally every day, but it's good. I'm so glad I found them because after this I'm going to do personal training with them and it's the most comfortable I've felt in a long time. 

In more depressing news, one of my best friends had a house fire. They have been living out of a hotel since last week. They lost one of their cats during the fire, she ran off. They will soon be moving into temporary housing either Friday or this weekend. I will be looking to get them additional items to supplement their living in temporary housing in addition to all of the clothesthat I have collected on their behalf. People are being so generous. I cannot imagine what they're going through even watching them go through it on a first-hand basis. 

And that is caught up. At least for now. 

Out of touch

I haven't written lately because I've been terribly busy. 

Last week I went to Canada for 24 hours for work. 

I've been working a lot and trying real hard to keep my sanity. I have a new boss who isn't making my life easy. I am looking for a new role because this one has me pretty overwhelmed.

The one solace I find to calm me is working out. Which, in the past two weeks I just haven't had time for and it's been emotionally affecting me. 

So I joined a boot camp which I am sure to regret. I found a group in for a 30 day unlimited class and I am taking advantage of it. Either I will come out buff and stress less or dead.

Let's hope it's the first one. 

Restoration

Was listening to a sermon while I was working today and it somehow struck me about how loving and graceful our God is. The pastor was talking about how Jesus just wants to help you build what is broken. And that one of the most powerful verses of the Bible comes from Genesis after He expels Adam and Eve for sinning.

Do you remember what happened after that? I didn't. As they were leaving with their shame and their guilt, God gave them clothes and said to them "You don't have to walk with that--here are the things that will cover your guilt and your shame." Because we don't HAVE to carry that with us. We aren't SUPPOSED to carry it with us. If God is in the business of restoring His people the greatest part about what He says in Amos is that it IS going to happen. There are no conditions on this. It's not if you pray more or you go to church more or you journal more or you promise Him more. He doesn't ask anything of us...our Father in heaven has already done it, and He is here to give it to us. ALL we have to do is believe that God is going to do it. It's only because of God's greatness. This is the promise and the hope of what we have as we move forward. God will take everything that is broken and will build it up again. 

He restores. And He restores no matter how big or small. God takes that which is broken and builds it up again. 

He loves doing that. 

Whatever it is in your life, minor or major, needing restoration, God said I will do it.

The good news is that God has PROMISED to repair and restore us.

And He will do it unconditionally because of his ever bounding grace and mercy.

Pretty powerful stuff. 

House woes

Well, today we rescinded our offer on the house. I have mixed emotions. Part of me is really upset and sad because we came so close. The other part of me is ok with it because we will save another year and be able to get something even better. 

It's hard when you can picture what you want but you can't afford it.

The house we chose didn't just have roof issues, but it had structural damage. We would have had to negotiate the seller pay for not only a new roof but the structural repairs (upwards of 30K) the fix to the basement drain, a new AC unit, water heater, and garage door.

I am actually not even sure how this lady managed to list this house before and am pretty confident she has been grassing people for the 6 years she has been trying to sell the house by not disclosing the issues. 

I'm sad. But next year at this time we will have a turn key brand new home in Tosa where we want to be and we won't settle.