Clinical. BFD.

Interestingly enough, today was the second time in a week (and since I got back from New York and my corporate training) that someone has called me "clinical."

At one time I would have said that was so completely false and far out that those people didn't even know me at all. (Emotions are my thing). Now, I think there is a really "clinical" side to me. I can be a very cold person, but I think that's always been a protection thing.

I think there's always been a clinical side to me, that I never really showed very often. People close to me have seen it (for example, I'm not much of a cuddler to my husband's dismay. I'm sort of like a cat. I want to cuddle when it is convenient for me). Certainly, it's seen at work more often than not, just because of the nature of what I do. I have to be very straightforward, strong-willed, no bullshit, and the person who is willing to say "Not a chance in hell" to an entire sales force.

Spending hours chit chatting on the phone? Nope. Please don't even call me.
Hugs? Ok fine, but not too long, please because, just don't.

However, I have been known to be an incredibly emotional person. I still am. I care about my friends and family deeply. I take pride in the fact that people can confide in me, and as you've read from earlier posts, the giving of my friendship means a whole lot to me. I get fired up when I feel like people I love have been wronged.
I cry at commercials. I cried at Grey's Anatomy last night, just like I do every Thursday night. I am compassionate to a fault. I guess I'm a little strange (aren't we all?) because I have this very emotional side to me and yet a very cold and unfeeling side as well.

However, since I got back from New York, I see my interactions with people so differently. Before, if anyone were to ever say to me "I can't help how you take what I say and that you feel that way" so help them God I would rain down the fire of a thousand suns on them. Now, I totally get that statement. I can't help how you perceive what I say. My intentions are my intentions. On my best days, I only have control over myself, how on earth am I supposed to control you and your emotions or how you react to me??
I'm just not going to take ownership of that. 

I've found myself finding situations to be very black and white lately. The saying "It is what it is" tends to be overused...but...most of the time, it really IS what it is. Usually, things are pretty clear cut. To be honest, I'm really loving it. I'm not into having a long detailed discussion about the problem and spending an hour and a half dissecting to pieces who is at fault, who should say they are sorry, who caused the problem, who instigated the problem, and etc etc.

I sort of already have a problem with speaking my mind....I don't do passive aggressive. You pretty much always know where you stand with me. If you're wondering if I'm talking about you, I'm probably not, because you would know if I was. I'm very conscientious that I may need to be even more careful of this.

I don't think this equates to me losing the emotional side of myself. In fact, I think this can only help me identify my true emotions. I'm liking seeing the logical side of everything, whereas before, I may have been clouded by a lot of those emotions. 

I'm loving my new black and white world, though. I don't think I'm going to leave.