New Years Resolutions

I normally don't make resolutions. I don't know...it always seemed silly to me.

This year feels different. It's been an odd year and I'm looking forward to the promise Jan 1st brings. It's kind of like if you had a bad year you can pretend it never happened! 2014? Gone! 2015? Here!

After Christmas Day and the events that happened, I am more determined than ever to get rid of this year. I am still having a bit of internal turmoil over yesterday. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Sad? Angry? Disappointed? Tired? A bit empty? Guilty? (I was told last night that my education and the way I use my words makes me sound nasty. Even though it's illogical I am now feeling guilty about my accomplishments). Full of emotion? A bit devoid of emotion? All of the above?

I had been thinking about resolutions before yesterday but today I've been thinking of them a bit more.

• Stay healthy--keep eating right, keep going to the gym, try to keep my stress level down
• Speaking of stress--not allowing work control my life or people stress me out
• Show my husband how much I love him on a daily basis
• Accept what is and what is not. 
• Be more self aware...of my actions, my emotions, and even the underlying emotions under the emotions on top of the emotions
• Be nicer. Even when people don't deserve it. 
• But also continue to not let people walk all over me

I think the one that is going to be hardest is being nice when people don't deserve it. Not because being nice is hard....but because it sort of feels like I'm giving up...or...I'm not sure how to say it...giving in? Allowing myself to be a door mat? Some people will say it's being the bigger person, right?

Although, I'm not sure any of that matters. The feeling I had when I cut my biological father out of my life was me reaching that lack of emotion place. I think "they" say that you're really kind of done when you just feel nothing. I guess I kind of am feeling that now. You go through so much and you come to an acceptance that things just aren't going to change no matter what you do or say. I sort of, in a weird way, think this is going to be more peaceful. Because nothing matters anymore. Making up doesn't matter, trying to get her to love me doesn't matter, and after today I just feel nothing. I have no reason to try and I have no reason to allow the lies, the things that have been done and said, to mean anything anymore. It's a weird sort of calm I am feeling.

I don't know. I guess in the end it's a self preservation thing, to quote "Love Actually."
And in the end, I'm ready for a new beginning.