New Years Resolutions

I normally don't make resolutions. I don't know...it always seemed silly to me.

This year feels different. It's been an odd year and I'm looking forward to the promise Jan 1st brings. It's kind of like if you had a bad year you can pretend it never happened! 2014? Gone! 2015? Here!

After Christmas Day and the events that happened, I am more determined than ever to get rid of this year. I am still having a bit of internal turmoil over yesterday. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Sad? Angry? Disappointed? Tired? A bit empty? Guilty? (I was told last night that my education and the way I use my words makes me sound nasty. Even though it's illogical I am now feeling guilty about my accomplishments). Full of emotion? A bit devoid of emotion? All of the above?

I had been thinking about resolutions before yesterday but today I've been thinking of them a bit more.

• Stay healthy--keep eating right, keep going to the gym, try to keep my stress level down
• Speaking of stress--not allowing work control my life or people stress me out
• Show my husband how much I love him on a daily basis
• Accept what is and what is not. 
• Be more self aware...of my actions, my emotions, and even the underlying emotions under the emotions on top of the emotions
• Be nicer. Even when people don't deserve it. 
• But also continue to not let people walk all over me

I think the one that is going to be hardest is being nice when people don't deserve it. Not because being nice is hard....but because it sort of feels like I'm giving up...or...I'm not sure how to say it...giving in? Allowing myself to be a door mat? Some people will say it's being the bigger person, right?

Although, I'm not sure any of that matters. The feeling I had when I cut my biological father out of my life was me reaching that lack of emotion place. I think "they" say that you're really kind of done when you just feel nothing. I guess I kind of am feeling that now. You go through so much and you come to an acceptance that things just aren't going to change no matter what you do or say. I sort of, in a weird way, think this is going to be more peaceful. Because nothing matters anymore. Making up doesn't matter, trying to get her to love me doesn't matter, and after today I just feel nothing. I have no reason to try and I have no reason to allow the lies, the things that have been done and said, to mean anything anymore. It's a weird sort of calm I am feeling.

I don't know. I guess in the end it's a self preservation thing, to quote "Love Actually."
And in the end, I'm ready for a new beginning. 

Fat Shaming

Stop it. JUST STOP.
Who made you judge and jury? Who gave you the right to decide that you were better than someone else? I am so very sick of the discussions around how the only way to get overweight people to "get healthy" is to point out how fat and disgusting they are.
You know what? You're a bully. That's what you are. And I'm pretty sure they taught you in kindergarten that it wasn't NICE to bully.

A distant relative has been on a tirade lately on her facebook about fat people and how she's so tired of hearing them complain about how fat they are and how they should "just get off their asses and do something about it."
You know what? Go to hell.

This was my response.


Nicole Johansen I have a lot to say on this topic. As someone who once weighed 290 lbs "just do something about it" is easier said than done. I tried every diet known to man and unfortunately those who are naturally thin or spend their lives working out don't necessarily understand that "just do it" is sometimes impossible. I had to have surgical intervention. Which was right for me and it helped me get healthy. But to judge people is unacceptable. "Fat acceptance" isn't a thing. Acceptance in general is a thing. And it's not only personal acceptance but acceptance of others. Stop judging people when you don't know their situation, their mental state, or whether they have a medical condition, or anything of the sort. I agree food in this country is a joke. But that is two separate issues.
Nicole Johansen In addition, this whole fat shaming thing is bullying. Being fat doesn't mean a person is lazy or unhealthy. And honestly, this whole fat shaming thing is something that is not only demotivating for people but it can be paralytic. Why should I go to the gym when the size 6 is going to look at me and roll her eyes? People need to have their own defining moment and decide what it means for them to be healthy and do what is right for them. If someone is overweight, that is no one else's right to comment on or discuss.

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Wow, two posts in one day.

I couldn't go by without putting this down though because something very special happened to me tonight. 

It's odd how things happen, don't you think? 

I had no intention if doing yoga tonight however the treadmills were all full at the gym and I was right on time to pop into class. My lower back had been hurting and I thought it could only help.

I'm usually not very focused during practice. I can't get out of my own head and I'm too focused on balance but for some reason none of that mattered tonight. 

I was able to let everything go and just breathe into the poses. It was almost the end and I was in tree pose. I know how bizarre what I'm about to say is going to sound, trust me. 

All of a sudden, in the mirror the figure I was looking at changed. The "fat girl" wasn't there anymore. I saw ME. I saw me how others see me. I saw a healthy, thin, beautiful woman. That honestly is the first time the fat girl wasn't there staring back at me. 

I don't know if this will last or what even happened tonight but as tears stream down my face I am thankful for the view that I saw tonight.