Identity Crisis

I have spent the past three days locked in a room at GE trying to solve world hunger. Or, as we call it a Kaizen. 

It's really draining. You use all your brain power streamlining and creating for nine hours a day. 

There's a reason working in the "lean" function is not something I do. It's not that I can't be a big picture thinker or think outside of the box, but it gets really frustrating when people are trying to boil the ocean (buzz words). I don't think like that. I tackle one problem at a time. It just makes sense that way.

Today also made me think about expectations. When you participate in these events, the expectations are always high. The deliverables are expected to have the wow factor. I think that puts a lot of unnecessary pressure in people. 

To personalize this a little bit, I think I'm feeling a lot of pressure lately. I've been flying high lately. I feel pretty respected. I feel pretty in demand. I feel like I am on a pedestal. Which, maybe I put myself there and my high expectations if myself aren't even in the ballpark of what my senior leaders expect from me. In reality, I know my employees put a lot more pressure on themselves than I ever would on them. 

I'm doing well because I'm an expert. I know I can't be an expert at everything, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be. My fear is that I will look like a fraud or like I don't know what I'm talking about or that I will be less respected than I am now. 

I think everyone has a fear of disappointing someone or themselves. I think I'm afraid of both. I know I am not defined by my job. There's so much more to me. But it's one thing I'm really really good at. If I'm not the expert, who am I? 

I'm a celebrity.

I'm not really. But I feel like one. I wrote to People magazine after their annual "Half Their Size" issue. The tag line on the front of the article said "No surgery, no gimmicks."

It rubbed me the wrong way. Bariatric surgery has had a stigma attached to it for a long time. And even though it is more popular now, there's still a stigma attached to it. "Ohhhh, you lost weight through SURGERY."

People don't understand that although I used a tool to help me out, I had to make a huge lifestyle change too. 

I watch what I eat and I work out A LOT. It's not just like a magic bean that grows a stalk. It's not a unicorn. It simply a tool just like your fit bit is. So I wrote in and tried to consolidate all that into something powerful and they printed it! 

So I'm super thrilled with this. It's a message everyone needs to see. 

The second part of this is the doubt I've been having lately. The whole "what am I doing with my life, is this all there is?!" Sad emo posts I've been doing. 

But after my friend Karie posted something today it made me realize that, yes, this is all there is. And I'm living my life and making a difference. 

I'm kicking ass for the CCFA. I'm letting people know in a national magazine that stigmas aren't ok. I'm changing lives. And I'm shaping futures. And I'm amazing. 

Do-overs

Since I've been thinking lately about how I feel like I'm just sort if finding out who I am, I asked the question today on Twitter

"What would you do with your life if money wasn’t on object and/or you could go back and do it over again?"

Do you know I didn't get a response? Not from any of my 1500 followers. So are 1500 people ignoring me or is it a topic no one wants to think about?

I was thinking about all the things I would do if I didn't have to work and if I could re-do my life up until this point. I don't know if that's sad or unhealthy, but it was I was thinking about.

Remember as a child, there was nothing more you wanted to do but be a grown up? I wish I could bottle up what I'm feeling now and pass it to my nieces. 

Just because I'd want them to know that they should follow their hearts, but also think about money...and how lovely money is. :) 

They say money can't buy happiness, but I tend to disagree. I mean to an extent, I guess. If you're generally an unhappy person money isn't going to fix you. But if you're generally a happy person, money is totally going to enhance that. 

There's a famous piece of artwork that starts out by saying "If I could do it all over" ... Well, if I could do it all over maybe I'd realize there was more to this world. Maybe I'd move to New York and go to school there. Maybe I'd go and get a nursing degree or a law degree. Instead, I sort of feel like I took the easy way out. I went to a school close to home, roomed with a high school friend, partied and chose the easiest, lowest GPA major I could find. Would it change the course of where I ended up today? I don't know. 

So, the other side to the coin is right now...if I had money and didn't have to work, I'd do so much good. I'd volunteer and really spend my time making a difference, fighting injustices. I'd save a bunch if animals, I'd protest SeaWorld, I'd save Darfur, and I'd join the Peace Corps and go to third world countries and build schools and houses and give them water. I sometimes just wonder what my life's meaning is. 

What a difference a year makes

I realized today that one year ago at this time I was just being removed from the operating room from my second bariatric surgery. Third if you count the one where they had to do the reversal and fix what broke.

It seems so long ago and yet it seems just like yesterday. I remember vividly the struggles I faced right after surgery and how scared I was that something g was going to go wrong.

But since then I've lost another 42 lbs. I originally started in a size 24. I got down to a 14 and after the complication got back up to a 16. Now I'm in a size 10. It's really hard to comprehend sometimes how far I've come. I'm not just talking physically, but mentally. Trust me when I say mentally I still have a long way to go. But I've also come a long way as well. 

I decided to do my third half marathon this year. I think it might be my final. Not my final race but my final of that distance. I still feel like I have something to prove, although if you ask me what that something is, I wouldn't be able to tell you. 

I sometimes still don't feel like I know who I am. Although, I am more "me" than I've ever been before. When I was heavy, I was just Nicole, the cranky, sarcastic, fat girl. Now I'm Nicky, the cranky (way less so), sarcastic (still just as much), social activist, coach, inspirational speaker, social media maven, and all around likable gal. 

Maybe I was those things before and I just couldn't see them? Either way, I'm still enjoying learning who the new Nicole/Nicky is. 

I am Malala

I don't have much to say other than watch this video from Jon Stewart.

The take away here is we don't fight violence with violence. We fight it with peace, education, and dialogue.
And that's what makes us better people...and that's what will change the world.

Watch Here

Smile

I hope this blog post turns out better than the last one. I've been having problems with the look of my blog...posts crawling over one another and looking generally unpleasant.
Can't seem to find a help section either.
Anyways, that's not what this is about.

I'm sure you've heard the sayings about smiling. It takes more muscles to frown than it does to smile. Peace begins with a smile. Smiling burns calories. All people smile in the same language.

I mean, I'm the first to admit that I don't always walk around with a smile on my face. Let's be honest, if we did that people would probably think we escaped from the nearest mental institution.
One of my friends posted something on facebook the other day and it generated a lot of buzz.

"When is the last time someone told you to smile? How often does it happen?"
There was a lot of responses like:
-I hate when people do that. If I wanted to be smiling I would be.  
-Men consider us ornaments that should be smiling at all times 
-My knee jerk reaction would be to give them the middle finger

Really, people? I again go back to wondering how our society would be different if we weren't all so angry and jaded people. 
 
I've had people tell me to smile. I didn't immediately want to grab them by the throat and murder them. Nor did I ever think a male was telling me to hop on up and make him a sammich and do it with a smile on my face for his pleasure.

My response was:
"So what? Maybe I'd like to see you smile to brighten my day. Maybe I think you're having a bad day and I think a smile would help you. Maybe it's just so you know someone is thinking of you and your feelings. I don't know why we have to turn everything into a women's lib argument or an I can't believe someone would have the gall. Take it for what it's worth and it's probably a nice gesture. Not everyone in the world is out to get you."


Modern society is cynical and jaded and it appears even telling someone to smile is a no-no these days. What happened to the days of saying hello to your neighbor? Opening the door for someone? Offering to carry a bag or two? Some people suggest TV and the violence we are exposed to numbs us to these things. Is that true? If it is, what's the fix? When we cut ourselves off from that aspect of the world do we grow up with a unrealistic view, forcing us into a different quandry of not being prepared for the pains the world will throw at us? Or would the pains of the world go away?

I guess I don't have all the answers. I think, though, my advice is going to once again try to think of the days before when you could borrow a cup of sugar without getting a door slammed in your face. A softer, gentler society. And maybe next time when someone tells you to smile, maybe next time you smile. And maybe next time you smile, it fixes what ails you or at least lifts your spirits.

Children in the workplace

It's fiscal quarter close at my workplace this week. People are on high alert, high stress, high everything. If you don't work in a business that has a fiscal quarter end you might not understand the incredible amount of work that goes along with this. On a normal day my job is high stress, but take that and double it...no triple it and you might have an idea.

We try to make things fun around here. So please don't think I'm a prude who goes to work and type, type, type, finance this, work to the third power that. We've had ugly Tshirt day, potlucks, and today we had a "beef off." We dress up for Halloween. We built (with WOOD and screws and nails) a giant present at Christmas time that you could ENTER. And we don't mind visitors to distract us from our work. Especially when you are a former employee! Old friend! Come sit by the fire and tell me a tale!

BUT.
(You had to know that was coming.)

When you bring your two toddlers in with you who are screaming and yelling and distracting my employees and being so loud people can't be off mute on their conference calls for a mere second, we have an issue. I know there was a blog post recently that caused everyone to go all wonky about some lady who said some snide comment in a grocery store about a screaming child. While I sympathize with parents and I don't necessarily think that woman had any right to make a comment like that to a stranger, I don't disagree.

I don't have children. This is part of the reason WHY I don't have children at this point in my life. I know this will piss some people off. I'm ok with that. I don't mean it personally. I know that you can't ALWAYS control your children. I'm not going to fault you for your child having a fit in the middle of Target (although to be fair, I probably will roll my eyes a bit). I just think maybe we be smart about it? When I'm going out to dinner at a fancy restaurant the last thing I want to hear is your child screaming in the booth next to me. Get a babysitter. If I'm at Applebees? Have at it. When I'm going to see an R rated movie, having your child bouncing in the seat in front of me is not going to make me happy. If I subject myself to seeing the Smurf's by all means, bounce away.

But I especially find fault with you at the workplace. Shame on you for not knowing better. Bring your child for a visit. I like to see little Jimmy's crusty face once in a while and see how you are doing. But ESPECIALLY being a former employee, good god, know the time and the place. And if your child starts acting up, that's your queue to start exiting stage left.