Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Wow, two posts in one day.

I couldn't go by without putting this down though because something very special happened to me tonight. 

It's odd how things happen, don't you think? 

I had no intention if doing yoga tonight however the treadmills were all full at the gym and I was right on time to pop into class. My lower back had been hurting and I thought it could only help.

I'm usually not very focused during practice. I can't get out of my own head and I'm too focused on balance but for some reason none of that mattered tonight. 

I was able to let everything go and just breathe into the poses. It was almost the end and I was in tree pose. I know how bizarre what I'm about to say is going to sound, trust me. 

All of a sudden, in the mirror the figure I was looking at changed. The "fat girl" wasn't there anymore. I saw ME. I saw me how others see me. I saw a healthy, thin, beautiful woman. That honestly is the first time the fat girl wasn't there staring back at me. 

I don't know if this will last or what even happened tonight but as tears stream down my face I am thankful for the view that I saw tonight. 

To child or not to child

As we had a baby shower today for one of my employees, the never ending question arose about when I was going to "join the club", when I was going to "pop one out", and "was I next?"

After politely smiling time after time, again and again, explaining that Nils and I don't want children right now and then getting the "but, why", I've almost resigned myself to these conversations.

With a deep sigh I no longer feel indignant and annoyed when I get asked these questions because what's the point? The conversations happen all the time.
There are few people that I will actually have the full on conversation about why with...that includes my two very best friends, my mother, and my very favorite cousin Tami. Other than that...I don't want to discuss it with you. 

And then, as if by miracle, this article appeared on facebook today posted by a friend.

I don't have anything to add to it.
It's basically perfectly written. And I'll leave it at that.

READ ME

Servant Leadership

I've been doing a lot of questioning of myself lately. Today that came to an end.

Today I was shown what a difference I make in the lives of my employees both personally and professionally.

Today my Director played this video in addition and I know where I belong

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YVMBJ9kvl2g

Something Wicked

I just watched the latest Dateline called "Something Wicked."

In a small town, in a high school, there were three girls. Two girls befriended a third and went through an entire process of becoming inseperable with the intent of murdering her. 

I thought that nothing could shock me any longer, but the murder of Skylar Neece did. The police officer said "evil comes in all sizes and shapes." The parents, the other girl's friends...none of them saw this coming. These two girls were such amazing actresses that after Skylar went missing, Skylar's parents begged the police to leave the two girls alone because they were "like daughters" and couldn't possibly have anything to do with this. 

To think, that my nieces are going to school and later in life might have to deal with people like this is sickening to me. These 16 year old girls had their parents, their school mates, and a "best friend" they spent 24 hours a day with fooled beyond belief. The whole time intending to murder her to see what it was like. You may say to me, there had to be signs. There's nothing to worry about because people like that will be found out. An entire town and high school full of kids and teachers didn't find them out. 

Some people say you can't live your life in fear and the joy of having a child of your own outweighs the small chance that this could happen. 

I say...does it really? 

The scale vs me

That scale....the one that sits in the corner stating at me, taunting me. The one that says I dare you to throw me away...because I know you'll last half a day with out me. 

That damn scale. 

The one that I get on religiously every morning. That one that I then get on religiously every night. 

That awful scale.

Although, if I'm being fair, it's not all the scale's fault. Whether I have the scale or don't have the scale, a healthy view of my body is not something I believe I will ever have. 

I wonder about that sometimes. What caused it? What could have prevented it? Anything? Certainly I always compared myself to my skinny friends, the ones who naturally wore a size 4. My grandma always used to comment on my weight to tell me how fat I was getting. What was it about me, that I won the slow metabolism lottery?

At any rate, here I am now. 115 lbs lighter. I ran two miles today. And yet I got on the scale when I got home and was disappointed with what I saw. 

That damn scale. 

Success

I asked my employees today what success looked like to them. When they came in to the office in the morning and when they went home at the end of the day, how did they know they were successful? I got responses like "I helped my field" or "I entered order and followed them from beginning to end." And then I said So what? And they looked at me a little shocked but I said think about it a minute. You're talking very tactically, which of course is part of your job. But, are you also taking your time? Or are you rushing through one email to the next not knowing the root cause of the problem? Are you being a servant leader by making sure your field teams have what they need or are you rolling your eyes because how could they possibly not know how to fill out a change order?

So I challenged them to look at success in a different form. Did you come in and did you do, to the best of your ability and beyond your job? Did you take servant leadership and humble yourself and say what is that I can do for you? Did you take your time to make sure all of the updates are where they need to be? Or are you rushing through life half assign everything you touch?success has to do with numbers, sure. But the true meaning of success is did you accomplish your goals in the best way possible. Did you try your hardest and leave nothing on the field? Then you were successful. 

Identity Crisis

I have spent the past three days locked in a room at GE trying to solve world hunger. Or, as we call it a Kaizen. 

It's really draining. You use all your brain power streamlining and creating for nine hours a day. 

There's a reason working in the "lean" function is not something I do. It's not that I can't be a big picture thinker or think outside of the box, but it gets really frustrating when people are trying to boil the ocean (buzz words). I don't think like that. I tackle one problem at a time. It just makes sense that way.

Today also made me think about expectations. When you participate in these events, the expectations are always high. The deliverables are expected to have the wow factor. I think that puts a lot of unnecessary pressure in people. 

To personalize this a little bit, I think I'm feeling a lot of pressure lately. I've been flying high lately. I feel pretty respected. I feel pretty in demand. I feel like I am on a pedestal. Which, maybe I put myself there and my high expectations if myself aren't even in the ballpark of what my senior leaders expect from me. In reality, I know my employees put a lot more pressure on themselves than I ever would on them. 

I'm doing well because I'm an expert. I know I can't be an expert at everything, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be. My fear is that I will look like a fraud or like I don't know what I'm talking about or that I will be less respected than I am now. 

I think everyone has a fear of disappointing someone or themselves. I think I'm afraid of both. I know I am not defined by my job. There's so much more to me. But it's one thing I'm really really good at. If I'm not the expert, who am I?