Exclusion

I hit a huge milestone today. I ran nine miles. No literally. I ran nine miles with zno stopping. Normally I walk, normally I run/walk. Today I hit my stride. Slow pace but I'm ok with that.i never claimed to be fast. My goal was to run this half. I thought it was impossible but now I know it is not.

On the other hand...always, there is a but, right? I'm feeling pretty excluded from things. I am training and I normally am a solitary person. But, I'm not getting invited to go to concerts, to hang out on weekends...I don't know. Either I have given off the vibe that my training will interfere or I guess my friends, or people that I thought of as friends just don't consider me as someone to invite to do things anymore. 

And the other people in my life I considered friends I've been really questioning their priorities lately. There is a lot of selfish happening in my life and I feel like I'm getting really tired of it. 

Loneliness is a bitch. 

Fat Shaming

Stop it. JUST STOP.
Who made you judge and jury? Who gave you the right to decide that you were better than someone else? I am so very sick of the discussions around how the only way to get overweight people to "get healthy" is to point out how fat and disgusting they are.
You know what? You're a bully. That's what you are. And I'm pretty sure they taught you in kindergarten that it wasn't NICE to bully.

A distant relative has been on a tirade lately on her facebook about fat people and how she's so tired of hearing them complain about how fat they are and how they should "just get off their asses and do something about it."
You know what? Go to hell.

This was my response.


Nicole Johansen I have a lot to say on this topic. As someone who once weighed 290 lbs "just do something about it" is easier said than done. I tried every diet known to man and unfortunately those who are naturally thin or spend their lives working out don't necessarily understand that "just do it" is sometimes impossible. I had to have surgical intervention. Which was right for me and it helped me get healthy. But to judge people is unacceptable. "Fat acceptance" isn't a thing. Acceptance in general is a thing. And it's not only personal acceptance but acceptance of others. Stop judging people when you don't know their situation, their mental state, or whether they have a medical condition, or anything of the sort. I agree food in this country is a joke. But that is two separate issues.
Nicole Johansen In addition, this whole fat shaming thing is bullying. Being fat doesn't mean a person is lazy or unhealthy. And honestly, this whole fat shaming thing is something that is not only demotivating for people but it can be paralytic. Why should I go to the gym when the size 6 is going to look at me and roll her eyes? People need to have their own defining moment and decide what it means for them to be healthy and do what is right for them. If someone is overweight, that is no one else's right to comment on or discuss.

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Wow, two posts in one day.

I couldn't go by without putting this down though because something very special happened to me tonight. 

It's odd how things happen, don't you think? 

I had no intention if doing yoga tonight however the treadmills were all full at the gym and I was right on time to pop into class. My lower back had been hurting and I thought it could only help.

I'm usually not very focused during practice. I can't get out of my own head and I'm too focused on balance but for some reason none of that mattered tonight. 

I was able to let everything go and just breathe into the poses. It was almost the end and I was in tree pose. I know how bizarre what I'm about to say is going to sound, trust me. 

All of a sudden, in the mirror the figure I was looking at changed. The "fat girl" wasn't there anymore. I saw ME. I saw me how others see me. I saw a healthy, thin, beautiful woman. That honestly is the first time the fat girl wasn't there staring back at me. 

I don't know if this will last or what even happened tonight but as tears stream down my face I am thankful for the view that I saw tonight. 

To child or not to child

As we had a baby shower today for one of my employees, the never ending question arose about when I was going to "join the club", when I was going to "pop one out", and "was I next?"

After politely smiling time after time, again and again, explaining that Nils and I don't want children right now and then getting the "but, why", I've almost resigned myself to these conversations.

With a deep sigh I no longer feel indignant and annoyed when I get asked these questions because what's the point? The conversations happen all the time.
There are few people that I will actually have the full on conversation about why with...that includes my two very best friends, my mother, and my very favorite cousin Tami. Other than that...I don't want to discuss it with you. 

And then, as if by miracle, this article appeared on facebook today posted by a friend.

I don't have anything to add to it.
It's basically perfectly written. And I'll leave it at that.

READ ME

Servant Leadership

I've been doing a lot of questioning of myself lately. Today that came to an end.

Today I was shown what a difference I make in the lives of my employees both personally and professionally.

Today my Director played this video in addition and I know where I belong

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YVMBJ9kvl2g

Something Wicked

I just watched the latest Dateline called "Something Wicked."

In a small town, in a high school, there were three girls. Two girls befriended a third and went through an entire process of becoming inseperable with the intent of murdering her. 

I thought that nothing could shock me any longer, but the murder of Skylar Neece did. The police officer said "evil comes in all sizes and shapes." The parents, the other girl's friends...none of them saw this coming. These two girls were such amazing actresses that after Skylar went missing, Skylar's parents begged the police to leave the two girls alone because they were "like daughters" and couldn't possibly have anything to do with this. 

To think, that my nieces are going to school and later in life might have to deal with people like this is sickening to me. These 16 year old girls had their parents, their school mates, and a "best friend" they spent 24 hours a day with fooled beyond belief. The whole time intending to murder her to see what it was like. You may say to me, there had to be signs. There's nothing to worry about because people like that will be found out. An entire town and high school full of kids and teachers didn't find them out. 

Some people say you can't live your life in fear and the joy of having a child of your own outweighs the small chance that this could happen. 

I say...does it really? 

The scale vs me

That scale....the one that sits in the corner stating at me, taunting me. The one that says I dare you to throw me away...because I know you'll last half a day with out me. 

That damn scale. 

The one that I get on religiously every morning. That one that I then get on religiously every night. 

That awful scale.

Although, if I'm being fair, it's not all the scale's fault. Whether I have the scale or don't have the scale, a healthy view of my body is not something I believe I will ever have. 

I wonder about that sometimes. What caused it? What could have prevented it? Anything? Certainly I always compared myself to my skinny friends, the ones who naturally wore a size 4. My grandma always used to comment on my weight to tell me how fat I was getting. What was it about me, that I won the slow metabolism lottery?

At any rate, here I am now. 115 lbs lighter. I ran two miles today. And yet I got on the scale when I got home and was disappointed with what I saw. 

That damn scale.