Once

Lukas Graham

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=jErJimwom94&sns=em

Everything

I don't know. I guess when a big event happens in your life you're supposed to reevaluate. Not everyone does I guess. Not everyone cares. Last week my mom lost one of her best friends unexpectedly. She was family to me so it's been hard. It makes you, or should make you, realize life is short and the ones you care about should be made a priority. 

Now that I think about this situation, it literally didn't hit me until I was typing this, that I'm NOT a priority to some people. Some people will never realize, even when it's gone, what they had. 

After this evening, when once again my sister said some incredibley hurtful things to me and even brought my niece into it; expressing that after discussions (you know; her opinions) my niece never wanted to see me again, once again I'm the bad guy. 

I'm so tired of being blamed for having a good life because someone has a shitry one. Your shitty life isn't my fault. I'm done walking on eggshells and acting like we can fix things because on a normal level..this person is far from normal. I get guilt and regret but I also don't blame my regret on someone else. 

I guess, moral of the story is I'm just tired. I'm tired of being blamed for having a productive life. Who would have thought that would be something to wish away?

Weight and acceptance

I've been going to this really great bootcamp for the past few weeks at Body by Design. I found it based on a Groupon and it is one of the hardest things I've ever done but it's just what I needed as a change up in my routine.

I can tell I feel better, I've lost a pants size, but the scale isn't moving. We all know I have a problem with that.  My personal trainer is telling me to get rid of my scale and I can't bring myself to do it. I don't have the luxury of someone who has been naturally thin all my life. I don't have the mind set of someone who can just say "who cares what the scale says" because for a long time I didn't weigh myself and I got to 290 lbs. This, right now, is simply not an option and I know Taylor really cares about seeing me succeed but he has a lot of work ahead of him, and I'm not sure he understands that a lot of it is mental.

I've heard twice this week about me getting smaller and no matter what I do, I look in that mirror and see the same fat girl that has always been there. I simply don't know if that will ever go away. 

Musings

I'm not sure why this came to be, but why not, I guess? I was looking at my ring tonight and I thought about grade school, and being an adult, and what I thought that might mean. Partly, I think, because one of the friends I'm speaking of now went to grade school with me. 

It's odd  me right now, because almost all of my close friends are in the process of getting divorced. And so I think back to what put that ring on my finger, and what's left and put back on the ring on my mom's finger; and it's just a weird reality check to hear my friends are getting divorced. So that is my weird news report of the day. 

I know it isn't black and white. I know that being married doesn't lead to divorce. It's hard work, regardless. I just hope that if I have children, I show them the reality vs the glass slipper.

In other, less depressing news, I got a groupon for a month of unlimited boot camps and I'm killing it. It's so great. I'm sore, literally every day, but it's good. I'm so glad I found them because after this I'm going to do personal training with them and it's the most comfortable I've felt in a long time. 

In more depressing news, one of my best friends had a house fire. They have been living out of a hotel since last week. They lost one of their cats during the fire, she ran off. They will soon be moving into temporary housing either Friday or this weekend. I will be looking to get them additional items to supplement their living in temporary housing in addition to all of the clothesthat I have collected on their behalf. People are being so generous. I cannot imagine what they're going through even watching them go through it on a first-hand basis. 

And that is caught up. At least for now. 

Out of touch

I haven't written lately because I've been terribly busy. 

Last week I went to Canada for 24 hours for work. 

I've been working a lot and trying real hard to keep my sanity. I have a new boss who isn't making my life easy. I am looking for a new role because this one has me pretty overwhelmed.

The one solace I find to calm me is working out. Which, in the past two weeks I just haven't had time for and it's been emotionally affecting me. 

So I joined a boot camp which I am sure to regret. I found a group in for a 30 day unlimited class and I am taking advantage of it. Either I will come out buff and stress less or dead.

Let's hope it's the first one. 

Restoration

Was listening to a sermon while I was working today and it somehow struck me about how loving and graceful our God is. The pastor was talking about how Jesus just wants to help you build what is broken. And that one of the most powerful verses of the Bible comes from Genesis after He expels Adam and Eve for sinning.

Do you remember what happened after that? I didn't. As they were leaving with their shame and their guilt, God gave them clothes and said to them "You don't have to walk with that--here are the things that will cover your guilt and your shame." Because we don't HAVE to carry that with us. We aren't SUPPOSED to carry it with us. If God is in the business of restoring His people the greatest part about what He says in Amos is that it IS going to happen. There are no conditions on this. It's not if you pray more or you go to church more or you journal more or you promise Him more. He doesn't ask anything of us...our Father in heaven has already done it, and He is here to give it to us. ALL we have to do is believe that God is going to do it. It's only because of God's greatness. This is the promise and the hope of what we have as we move forward. God will take everything that is broken and will build it up again. 

He restores. And He restores no matter how big or small. God takes that which is broken and builds it up again. 

He loves doing that. 

Whatever it is in your life, minor or major, needing restoration, God said I will do it.

The good news is that God has PROMISED to repair and restore us.

And He will do it unconditionally because of his ever bounding grace and mercy.

Pretty powerful stuff. 

House woes

Well, today we rescinded our offer on the house. I have mixed emotions. Part of me is really upset and sad because we came so close. The other part of me is ok with it because we will save another year and be able to get something even better. 

It's hard when you can picture what you want but you can't afford it.

The house we chose didn't just have roof issues, but it had structural damage. We would have had to negotiate the seller pay for not only a new roof but the structural repairs (upwards of 30K) the fix to the basement drain, a new AC unit, water heater, and garage door.

I am actually not even sure how this lady managed to list this house before and am pretty confident she has been grassing people for the 6 years she has been trying to sell the house by not disclosing the issues. 

I'm sad. But next year at this time we will have a turn key brand new home in Tosa where we want to be and we won't settle. 

What do I title this blog post?

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

I just turned 35 and it wasn't as scary as I thought. I had a blast with friends and realized I no longer can hold my liquor. 

We saw a house a few weeks ago and nothing we have seen since has measured up. I think we are going to place an offer. I am trying not to get my hopes up because there are a lot of eyes on this house, but it would be perfect for us and for entertaining.

I lovingly call it the giraffe house because inside the house, currently, is a floor to ceiling statue of a giraffe.

My mindset is set so that if we don't get the house, I know it wasn't meant to be. I really like the house though.

I've been off working out for about three weeks. My first outdoor run, my hamstring injury came back with a vengeance. I was planning on running the Ragnar Relay but I have had to back out due to it. I've noticed that my mindset gets really bad when I'm not working out so I have to get back in the groove. Some days I wonder if I will ever be happy with my weight or my body. I fluctuate about 5-7 lbs, but there is a number on the scale I just can't look past. Which, to an extent is good, because if I'm there I know I need to do what I'm supposed to be doing. 

I've decided to give up alcohol for the month of May and try to focus on my health. Booze is empty calories....but it tastes so good! I also have thought about getting a mini tummy tuck if I can get insurance to cover it. Sometimes they will if excess skin after your weight loss is causing medical problems. I know I've come a long way, but that part of my body will never go away and I don't know how to love myself in spite of it. I know I'll feel better and not hate it as much when I get back to working out, but even though those thoughts lessen at that point, they are still there. I have never proclaimed that I'd like to be a size 4. My body doesn't work that way. My ideal size in my head is an 8. I feel like skin removal should be a part of bariatric surgery after a certain time period. I'll keep my bat wings, no big deal, but I'd love to shrink this tummy. I tend to focus on it more when I'm not working out and I realize this. So I'll check back in a couple weeks and see if my mindset has improved! If someone ever figures out the magic cure on how to love your body no matter what please send it my way. 

I also have a new boss. I like her but having a boss who actually wants to make a difference in our department is sort of already exhausting. She is no nonsense which is good and bad at the same time. I've been pretty content with running things with no one to answer to for the past year and so now I have to put on my game face again. 

That's all for now. Keep your fingers crossed on the giraffe house! 

March Update

There's so much to talk about that I'm not sure where to start!
I guess I can start with the most recent and work my way to babbling about everything else.
This past weekend I did the American Lung Association Fight For Air Climb.

I climbed 47 flights of stairs to the top of the US Bank building in downtown Milwaukee. Since mom has been diagnosed with COPD, it was a personal event and fundraising campaign, but it was also something I never had done before. Stairs usually aren't my friend. I fall up them and down them. Luckily, there was none of that. I also happened to be the 19th top fundraiser out of the over 3000 people that participated, which is pretty cool. I won't say I'll never do it again, but I certainly have to figure out a better way to train for it. IT WAS HARD. And to think there was some girl who did it seven times in one hour, not only blows my mind, but reaffirms the fact that there ARE crazy people out there.

I did it!

The other major thing that is happening right now is we are seriously looking at buying a house. We just got life insurance.  Now we're looking at houses. Adulting this much is really freaking me out. I didn't think it would, but it is. I mostly think it's because I'm feeling very rushed by people right now and I don't like that. Our landlords are currently in Mexico, so we are awaiting an answer from them on what they are willing to do as far as our lease goes. It is up May 1st and I've asked them if they would consider a 3 or 6 month lease, to give us some time to look and really comfortably choose the right home. Not knowing that answer and being pushed is making me a bit irritated to the point where I sort of want to say let's just forget it for this spring and we'll try again next year. We'll get that answer probably tomorrow and we've been long time tenants so I expect they will work with us a bit.
As a first time home buyer, I plan to take my time. And I plan to find the RIGHT house. There are things I will compromise on cosmetically, but there are also things I am absolutely not compromising on and being told I should is not making me happy. If I'm spending money on investing in a house, it's going to be what I want. Otherwise I might as well continue to rent where I feel content.

In a few short weeks I will turn 35. I normally don't have an issue with birthdays. Actually, almost never. 27 was a hard birthday for me, which I realize is a weird number, but for whatever reason I really took it hard. Like I was supposed to have so much done by 27, is what I thought at the time. I think I'm feeling the same way about 35. I should have already bought a house by now. I should have already had a financial planner by now. Why did I JUST get life insurance? What else am I missing?
What else should I have done by now?
 

I'm feeling a little lost at work right now with a new boss and another new boss coming within the next quarter. I got a pretty significant raise this year. I had to fight and fight hard for it. I deserved it though. I regret nothing about fighting for my worth. Things are just so uncertain at work with where we are going. I just feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions, I can't do well at any one thing because I'm doing everything. Thinking about where my next career move is/should be...it's all just a lot happening. I sort of feel like I just want to hide under my covers and let the world happen around me. I'll just stay in this job and rent until I'm dead. That solves everything I think. Or I wish I had someone who would just do all these things for me and then let me know when everything is done.

Life man. Life.

Enough said.

It's been a while

Sometimes you feel like so much has happened in your life that you aren't sure where to start...and sometimes you think, well really nothing THAT exciting happened and so I let my blog slide. I should stop that though, because it's really for me to get my feelings out. 

I guess the biggest thing is we are going to buy a house. It scares the shit out of me. But not enough to stay where we are. I want to entertain and have a big kitchen and not feel cramped. 

I'm still scared to death. 

I got a raise at work--one I fought for and deserved. As with anything, my lovely new boss is mr micromanager and it's driving me insane. How can one person be running the US, Canada, and Latin America and still micromanage? It seems like the atoms would not fit with the neutrons or however that works.

I'm loving my friends lately. Spending time with some girls who get it and we have girls nights weekly and we just forget about everything and have fun. I love that I can do that and spend time away from my wonderful husband and then know the next day we get to snuggle up together. Couples who feel the need to spend every moment together not only worry me but are doomed I think. 

The friends that I've kept close to and the new ones in making are helping me see that friendship, for some people changes based on what they need. For me, my need is simple...someone loyal, who wants to be in my life and puts effort into our friendship. Simple right? 

In other news, I'm doing the stair climb on he 21st and I'm quite confident dying might be in the future. Good luck to me. But I raised almost $1000 and that's what is important. 

Good night for now! 

New Years Resolutions

I normally don't make resolutions. I don't know...it always seemed silly to me.

This year feels different. It's been an odd year and I'm looking forward to the promise Jan 1st brings. It's kind of like if you had a bad year you can pretend it never happened! 2014? Gone! 2015? Here!

After Christmas Day and the events that happened, I am more determined than ever to get rid of this year. I am still having a bit of internal turmoil over yesterday. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Sad? Angry? Disappointed? Tired? A bit empty? Guilty? (I was told last night that my education and the way I use my words makes me sound nasty. Even though it's illogical I am now feeling guilty about my accomplishments). Full of emotion? A bit devoid of emotion? All of the above?

I had been thinking about resolutions before yesterday but today I've been thinking of them a bit more.

• Stay healthy--keep eating right, keep going to the gym, try to keep my stress level down
• Speaking of stress--not allowing work control my life or people stress me out
• Show my husband how much I love him on a daily basis
• Accept what is and what is not. 
• Be more self aware...of my actions, my emotions, and even the underlying emotions under the emotions on top of the emotions
• Be nicer. Even when people don't deserve it. 
• But also continue to not let people walk all over me

I think the one that is going to be hardest is being nice when people don't deserve it. Not because being nice is hard....but because it sort of feels like I'm giving up...or...I'm not sure how to say it...giving in? Allowing myself to be a door mat? Some people will say it's being the bigger person, right?

Although, I'm not sure any of that matters. The feeling I had when I cut my biological father out of my life was me reaching that lack of emotion place. I think "they" say that you're really kind of done when you just feel nothing. I guess I kind of am feeling that now. You go through so much and you come to an acceptance that things just aren't going to change no matter what you do or say. I sort of, in a weird way, think this is going to be more peaceful. Because nothing matters anymore. Making up doesn't matter, trying to get her to love me doesn't matter, and after today I just feel nothing. I have no reason to try and I have no reason to allow the lies, the things that have been done and said, to mean anything anymore. It's a weird sort of calm I am feeling.

I don't know. I guess in the end it's a self preservation thing, to quote "Love Actually."
And in the end, I'm ready for a new beginning. 

One of these things is not like the other

Was talking with a friend today about how things are "different" now. Neither of us could put a finger on what it was that made things feel different...

I received a text and it was put perfectly...."feeling around in the darkness...are you there?"

Twitter and Facebook used to be really fun places. Where you made friends, and you shared funny things, and you shared your life, and it was this community. An actual real live community. It's hard to explain to people who don't "get" Twitter...the sense of friendship and community that come along with it. You interact with these people so much that even if you have never met them you feel like you have. But then you DO meet them and it's like you've known each other forever.

I get that things change. Sometimes slowly and over time and before you know it you're left standing there wondering what happened. That's how I'm feeling today. Like I woke up and thought to myself "Where did my community go?"

I met some really great people through twitter. Some of them are still there and some of them have pulled away in real life. I'm having trouble with that too...the people who have pulled away in real life...people I thought I'd be friends with forever are not including me in their lives anymore and that hurts. 

That community sort of feels lonely now. Has social media just "jumped the shark?" I don't know. Maybe. That community now feels like a person who is trying too hard. That community used to be get togethers and getting through the day together and living vicariously through what others were doing and I could go on and on.

My hope is that this community isn't gone for good. My hope is that there is just an odd lull in the community and that someone turns the lights back on.

I'm not sure I like the darkness.

A defining number

I feel like I grow every day. I learn more about myself by the minute.

Yet...there's one thing that remains....my life is dominated by my weight and the scale. In fact, it is probably time that I see a therapist about it.
My weight and thinking about my weight dominates my existence. Every time I put something in my mouth, I wonder what it will do to the scale. I weigh myself in the morning and in the evening and daily and it's a cycle I can't break.
I know everyone says not to weigh yourself more than once a week and I'd love to be able to do that. I clearly have a brain disease (yeah, I know, more than one).

I am in constant fear of getting fat again. I know that no one sees that number but me but sometimes I feel like it's written on my forehead.
If I'm above a certain number it ruins my whole day. Or my whole night. Right now it' snowing outside and I'm working from home. But because I stepped on the scale when I got home, I have the urge to go out in the nasty ass weather, where the streets are slop and people are probably driving like idiots, and go to the gym. Actually, right now I'm praying for enough snow so that I can go out and shovel because anything is better than nothing.

In theory, that's not a bad thing. But when you take it to the extreme like I do, it becomes a problem.

I've started running again in the past couple months and I have definitely seen the change in my body again. My legs are getting stronger, my shoulders are getting slimmer, and my belly is too. And yet that number. That need to see that number is always there. That number takes away all my logic and it takes away the fact that my pants still fit and it steals my pride in how far I've come.

And yes, I've already set up an appointment to talk to a professional non crazy person about this.

Clinical. BFD.

Interestingly enough, today was the second time in a week (and since I got back from New York and my corporate training) that someone has called me "clinical."

At one time I would have said that was so completely false and far out that those people didn't even know me at all. (Emotions are my thing). Now, I think there is a really "clinical" side to me. I can be a very cold person, but I think that's always been a protection thing.

I think there's always been a clinical side to me, that I never really showed very often. People close to me have seen it (for example, I'm not much of a cuddler to my husband's dismay. I'm sort of like a cat. I want to cuddle when it is convenient for me). Certainly, it's seen at work more often than not, just because of the nature of what I do. I have to be very straightforward, strong-willed, no bullshit, and the person who is willing to say "Not a chance in hell" to an entire sales force.

Spending hours chit chatting on the phone? Nope. Please don't even call me.
Hugs? Ok fine, but not too long, please because, just don't.

However, I have been known to be an incredibly emotional person. I still am. I care about my friends and family deeply. I take pride in the fact that people can confide in me, and as you've read from earlier posts, the giving of my friendship means a whole lot to me. I get fired up when I feel like people I love have been wronged.
I cry at commercials. I cried at Grey's Anatomy last night, just like I do every Thursday night. I am compassionate to a fault. I guess I'm a little strange (aren't we all?) because I have this very emotional side to me and yet a very cold and unfeeling side as well.

However, since I got back from New York, I see my interactions with people so differently. Before, if anyone were to ever say to me "I can't help how you take what I say and that you feel that way" so help them God I would rain down the fire of a thousand suns on them. Now, I totally get that statement. I can't help how you perceive what I say. My intentions are my intentions. On my best days, I only have control over myself, how on earth am I supposed to control you and your emotions or how you react to me??
I'm just not going to take ownership of that. 

I've found myself finding situations to be very black and white lately. The saying "It is what it is" tends to be overused...but...most of the time, it really IS what it is. Usually, things are pretty clear cut. To be honest, I'm really loving it. I'm not into having a long detailed discussion about the problem and spending an hour and a half dissecting to pieces who is at fault, who should say they are sorry, who caused the problem, who instigated the problem, and etc etc.

I sort of already have a problem with speaking my mind....I don't do passive aggressive. You pretty much always know where you stand with me. If you're wondering if I'm talking about you, I'm probably not, because you would know if I was. I'm very conscientious that I may need to be even more careful of this.

I don't think this equates to me losing the emotional side of myself. In fact, I think this can only help me identify my true emotions. I'm liking seeing the logical side of everything, whereas before, I may have been clouded by a lot of those emotions. 

I'm loving my new black and white world, though. I don't think I'm going to leave.

Amitié, Amistad, Freundschaft, Venskab, Cairdeas

 Chances are you know what one of those words mean.

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” -Mohammed Ali

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity." -Unknown

I guess I like to think I surround myself with people who view friendship in the same manner as I do.  When I was a kid, my mom used to tell me, "One day, you'll end up like me, with a handful of close friends, and it's going to be the quality that matters, not the quantity."
(She's a smart lady.)
I always thought to myself, "But, Ma, ALL my large quantity of friends are quality anyways!"

Over the years, I learned that wasn't the case. I wasn't always a quality friend when I was young, but as I hit college, I learned what being a quality friend meant. And, over the years, I learned that not everyone understood what being a friend meant. As with everything I suppose, everyone has a different view on what being a friend means. I've had a constant in my life for about eight years now that I can say truly gets me and I truly get her and I'm thankful for that.

Forging deep connections requires a certain amount of emotional investment, authenticity and risk. Maintaining them demands energy and may occasionally push our boundaries. Most real friendships eventually take some work, and they almost never come with guarantees. This is something I've had to learn. When I really give of myself to a friendship...I give a guarantee, but what I'm learning is that it isn't always reciprocated. That hurts. When you think about it, it feels like other people are being chosen over you. It makes you think about your guarantee...and when it's time to revoke it...because at what point do you continue to reach out, to not have your friendship reciprocated?

On the other side of that coin, I've been SO very lucky in the past few months to take a friendship that I've had that was created when I started walking/running and really grow and water it. We've connected with things in our life, even rooting to our families, that my heart feels so connected to her and to say I'm thankful isn't enough. I feel like I can share anything with her--doubts and fears, both personally and professionally, and she has been my shelter from the storm. And I hope I've been the same for her. She is extraordinarily important in my life. She's my "sister" (*wink, wink*) and she knows who she is.

If you read classic literature on friendship, you'll see that to people such as Aristotle, Montaigne, Shakespeare, Hemmingway, and much later, C. S. Lewis, true friendship was much more than the companionship often mistaken for it. The friendship we find in their writings will probably not be found in the club, sharing a girls night out with acquaintances, or lamenting at happy hour. Montaigne even expressed you might find one true friendship in every 300 years. I don't necessarily believe that to be true...I mean Laverne & Shirley, Lucy & Ethel, The cast of Friends, The Pretty Little Liars...we've got some winners there.

I guess that was a long winded and blabbering way to say be kind to one another. Cherish your friendships. Friends are the people who help celebrate your success, provide support through the tough times, and through the consistent times, are there just to help you laugh.

Changes (not the TuPac kind)

Change can be scary. Whether the change is good or bad, there's something in all of us that equates change with fear. Personal and professional...it doesn't matter...I can remember going over pros and cons; worrying about what was going to be.
Half the time, the worst possible thing you could imagine is not anywhere close to what actually happens and you've expended all this energy that could have been used for good instead of evil!

It's taken me a long time to get to the point where, at least in the workplace, I've started to accept that change is good. It keeps people fresh. It creates new opportunities. I think I probably had to learn that once I acquired direct reports, because trust me, listening to seven people's fears leaves no time for your own.

Long story short, my group, which has always rolled into the sales organization is now reporting into Global Supply Chain. Without a whole lot of GE mumbo jumbo, this means big changes not only going global, but moving towards a "one company" approach.

I was given the opportunity to talk about our group in a video that was launched globally to the entire Global Supply Chain. It was a group of people and we were all in the video, but they started and ended with me and I think that's pretty cool and memorable.
Here's a screen cap from the video (since it's internal I can't actually link you to it, which is a bummer.)

Not only did I say this, but I introduced us globally as a group who "Is the hub of the business. Seamlessly orchestrating all functions of the business, turning an order into providing dependable patient care."
Which, yes, I did come up with myself (*pats self on back*) and I also think is pretty cool. Sometimes, I complain about my job, but in reality, my job is pretty cool when you think of who it affects down the line.

The advice I try to give my employees during this time, when things feel uncertain, is to embrace it. Embrace the uncertainty, because you can make it anything you want it to be. It's ok to feel nervous for a minute. But then move on and keep the communication lines open, because the more we talk about the changes, the more we can bring our ideas to the table to squash the fears.

 Change brings the opportunity for you to learn; for personal growth. Change brings improvements...imagine if change could give you a better work/life balance! Change forces you to look at the bigger picture. Instead of looking at what is right in front of you, it forces you to widen your view.

Change has also helped me become a better leader. Although, I love my senior employees, the fact that I've helped quite a few of them move onto amazing roles, allows me to bring in new employees and that keeps ME fresh. I always have to stay on top of my game with teaching and learning how to interact with new hires to make sure they are the best they can be. 

The next time you start to fear change....stop for a minute and think of all the possibilities it could bring you instead. If you can do that, it really is a game changer for you and the people around you.

Ancient Chinese Secret 5000 years old

That's what my Eastern Medicine Voodoo lady told me earlier this week. It was comical, out of a movie almost. (I say that with love.)

I was telling her about all my mom's health problems and her lung issues and she said "I can cure her."

I said "Sure you can. She's been in and out of the hospital since December, but you're gonna rub an herb on her and she's all better?"

She looked me dead in the eye and said "Ancient Chinese Medicine 5000 years old. Western medicine, not so much...and you. I make you believer."

Ok, ok!!!!

P.S. I'm a believer. Although she did bruise the shit out of my arm,

I forgive her. Because in the past week of seeing her, I've lost 5 lbs, I'm sleeping better, and I generally feel happier.
She's teaching me a lot about how my organs function, how they function together, and how the energy in your body is really important.

Additionally, each organ in your body is associated with a feeling. For example, your liver is associated with anger, the heart is associated with joy, the spleen with worry, the lung with grief, and the kidney with fear. As you work on these organs, you work on the feelings and the energy behind them...and trust me...lately, I've had a lot to work on in many of those departments. The past few months have been filled with all of those emotions and filled to the top.

I'm curious what today's session will bring because she always blows my mind!!!

In other news, it's concert season!!! I love fall because that's usually when my favorite bands show up and I don't have to worry about the crowds and grossness that is Summerfest. Tonight I'm seeing OKGO, who are legit geniuses. Tuesday I'm seeing Delta Spirit, and the following Monday, the ALMIGHTY PEARL JAM!!!!! This will be my second time seeing PJ. I've met Mike McCready and he is probably my favorite guitarist. He plays that guitar like it is part of his body. (And we all know I have a thing for guitarists...I did marry one!!!)

Happy weekend to everyone! We made it through the week!!!

Liver is associated with Anger
Heart is associated with Joy
Spleen is associated with Worry
Lung is associated with Grief
Kidney is associated with Fear
- See more at: http://www.tcmworld.org/what-is-tcm/tcm-healing-modali

Liver is associated with Anger
Heart is associated with Joy
Spleen is associated with Worry
Lung is associated with Grief
Kidney is associated with Fear
- See more at: http://www.tcmworld.org/what-is-tcm/tcm-healing-modalities/#sthash.JWWtd6Co.dpuf

Liver is associated with Anger
Heart is associated with Joy
Spleen is associated with Worry
Lung is associated with Grief
Kidney is associated with Fear
- See more at: http://www.tcmworld.org/what-is-tcm/tcm-healing-modalities/#sthash.JWWtd6Co.dpuf

Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall

I've heard this quote before, but after the summer I've had, it really struck me when I saw it again.

We normally think of Spring as being a time of renewal and rebirth because that's when everything starts to bloom.
But, if you think about it, fall is where that whole process starts, isn't it?
For things to have a rebirth in the spring, the leaves need to fall off the trees, the flowers need to stop blooming, and the air needs to get chilled.

This fall has brought me a number starting over moments. Deepening friendships with people, recommitting to my health, both physically and mentally.

I got the chance to go out to our Corporate Learning facility in New York when I needed it the most. It helped me change the way I think about things, people, and how I react.
There was so much that I took away from that week long experience I couldn't possibly write about it all. Two very important things that I will talk about are two quotes.

One is "Thoughts become things...choose the good ones." When you make a point to focus on the negative thoughts in your head, you give them life. You give them gravity and mass and they become real, even when they are not. It's hard to do, but if you can stop and recognize the thought and re-frame it, your outlook on life can change drastically.

The other quote, I already have hanging on my wall, but I never really made a point to look at it every day.

"Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
This morning, when I was looking at the beauty of the moon and thinking about how small we are, this quote popped into my head.

There's a whole lot of evil in this world. There's a whole lot of people in this world who don't care about others. There's a whole lot of people who are hell bent on destroying others and breaking them into a million pieces.

I tend to believe, however, that for all those people in the world, there are many more good people, and we outnumber them. As I sat and looked at that moon and thought about all of the people in the world who were looking at it as well, I thought how wonderful it would be, if on a daily basis we all focused on the good. We all focused on helping a stranger, on being kinder, not only to ourselves, but to those faces in the parking lot or at the grocery store we don't give a second thought to.

What would that look like? As beautiful and immense and powerful and stunning as the moon this morning??

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Latest and greatest

It's been a rough summer, to say the least. 

As far as my car situation goes, I'm finally set. The devil Soul has been totaled, the white Sportage that was infested with billions if ants and ant eggs (because of course it was) has been returned. 

I am successfully driving a beautiful and safe grey Sportage which I am in love with. 

Mom has been in the hospital for seven days. This is right after Dad got out of ICU for pneumonia and sepsis. The expectation is that mom will be released tomorrow, but I guess we will play it by ear. She sounds and looks a million times better but she still has quite a bit of labored breathing. I have a hard time thinking we will ever get this COPD under control. The doc did mention as a very last resort we may need to consider a lung transplant....but that is so far down the line it isn't even worth talking about right now. 

My jaw seems to be semi under control. I have a guard I wear to keep my jaw in place. It's a weird feeling getting older. I often wonder if I'm having a mid life crisis at 34. 

There are days I feel like an old woman wishing I had done things differently, days I feel like living in the moment and letting all the "norms" be damned, and days I feel like an innocent teenager waiting for life experiences and feeling vulnerable and insecure. 

It's kind of an odd place to be.

But I suppose that's life, isn't it? Curve balls waiting around every corner...

Car accidents

Since December, this household has been in four car accidents. 

I slid into someone in December due to the bad weather.

About a month and a half ago I hit someone driving erratic on north ave. about a month ago nils was hit by a hit and run and then Tuesday I was in a pretty bad crash. The airbags deployed and I not only think they will total the car but I am praying for them to total the car. That thing has caused me nothing but problems since I got it. And if I didn't believe in curses before I do now. That car is cursed.

I have been an emotional weepy mess since Tuesday. I am bruised on my stomach from where the air bags got me and every day it is a reminder of how much worse it could have been, but also a reminder of the incessant bad luck I've been having. 

I just like crying, crying is my favorite. It's not but for as much as I have been doing it the past few days you'd think it was.

Pics don't do the damage justice, but let's all just hope for a complete loss and total on this please. On one hand, I could get rid of this car I don't feel safe in. But then the headache of how to afford a new car starts. This is the part I also wish I had a trust find or rich family memeber who could just help me the one time I need help. I don't like to ask for help because I should be able to do this stuff on my own. And I will. Either way, I'd like to get this over and done with so I can stop feeling like I'm going to vomit every minute if every day.