New Years Resolutions

I normally don't make resolutions. I don't know...it always seemed silly to me.

This year feels different. It's been an odd year and I'm looking forward to the promise Jan 1st brings. It's kind of like if you had a bad year you can pretend it never happened! 2014? Gone! 2015? Here!

After Christmas Day and the events that happened, I am more determined than ever to get rid of this year. I am still having a bit of internal turmoil over yesterday. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Sad? Angry? Disappointed? Tired? A bit empty? Guilty? (I was told last night that my education and the way I use my words makes me sound nasty. Even though it's illogical I am now feeling guilty about my accomplishments). Full of emotion? A bit devoid of emotion? All of the above?

I had been thinking about resolutions before yesterday but today I've been thinking of them a bit more.

• Stay healthy--keep eating right, keep going to the gym, try to keep my stress level down
• Speaking of stress--not allowing work control my life or people stress me out
• Show my husband how much I love him on a daily basis
• Accept what is and what is not. 
• Be more self aware...of my actions, my emotions, and even the underlying emotions under the emotions on top of the emotions
• Be nicer. Even when people don't deserve it. 
• But also continue to not let people walk all over me

I think the one that is going to be hardest is being nice when people don't deserve it. Not because being nice is hard....but because it sort of feels like I'm giving up...or...I'm not sure how to say it...giving in? Allowing myself to be a door mat? Some people will say it's being the bigger person, right?

Although, I'm not sure any of that matters. The feeling I had when I cut my biological father out of my life was me reaching that lack of emotion place. I think "they" say that you're really kind of done when you just feel nothing. I guess I kind of am feeling that now. You go through so much and you come to an acceptance that things just aren't going to change no matter what you do or say. I sort of, in a weird way, think this is going to be more peaceful. Because nothing matters anymore. Making up doesn't matter, trying to get her to love me doesn't matter, and after today I just feel nothing. I have no reason to try and I have no reason to allow the lies, the things that have been done and said, to mean anything anymore. It's a weird sort of calm I am feeling.

I don't know. I guess in the end it's a self preservation thing, to quote "Love Actually."
And in the end, I'm ready for a new beginning. 

One of these things is not like the other

Was talking with a friend today about how things are "different" now. Neither of us could put a finger on what it was that made things feel different...

I received a text and it was put perfectly...."feeling around in the darkness...are you there?"

Twitter and Facebook used to be really fun places. Where you made friends, and you shared funny things, and you shared your life, and it was this community. An actual real live community. It's hard to explain to people who don't "get" Twitter...the sense of friendship and community that come along with it. You interact with these people so much that even if you have never met them you feel like you have. But then you DO meet them and it's like you've known each other forever.

I get that things change. Sometimes slowly and over time and before you know it you're left standing there wondering what happened. That's how I'm feeling today. Like I woke up and thought to myself "Where did my community go?"

I met some really great people through twitter. Some of them are still there and some of them have pulled away in real life. I'm having trouble with that too...the people who have pulled away in real life...people I thought I'd be friends with forever are not including me in their lives anymore and that hurts. 

That community sort of feels lonely now. Has social media just "jumped the shark?" I don't know. Maybe. That community now feels like a person who is trying too hard. That community used to be get togethers and getting through the day together and living vicariously through what others were doing and I could go on and on.

My hope is that this community isn't gone for good. My hope is that there is just an odd lull in the community and that someone turns the lights back on.

I'm not sure I like the darkness.

A defining number

I feel like I grow every day. I learn more about myself by the minute.

Yet...there's one thing that remains....my life is dominated by my weight and the scale. In fact, it is probably time that I see a therapist about it.
My weight and thinking about my weight dominates my existence. Every time I put something in my mouth, I wonder what it will do to the scale. I weigh myself in the morning and in the evening and daily and it's a cycle I can't break.
I know everyone says not to weigh yourself more than once a week and I'd love to be able to do that. I clearly have a brain disease (yeah, I know, more than one).

I am in constant fear of getting fat again. I know that no one sees that number but me but sometimes I feel like it's written on my forehead.
If I'm above a certain number it ruins my whole day. Or my whole night. Right now it' snowing outside and I'm working from home. But because I stepped on the scale when I got home, I have the urge to go out in the nasty ass weather, where the streets are slop and people are probably driving like idiots, and go to the gym. Actually, right now I'm praying for enough snow so that I can go out and shovel because anything is better than nothing.

In theory, that's not a bad thing. But when you take it to the extreme like I do, it becomes a problem.

I've started running again in the past couple months and I have definitely seen the change in my body again. My legs are getting stronger, my shoulders are getting slimmer, and my belly is too. And yet that number. That need to see that number is always there. That number takes away all my logic and it takes away the fact that my pants still fit and it steals my pride in how far I've come.

And yes, I've already set up an appointment to talk to a professional non crazy person about this.

Clinical. BFD.

Interestingly enough, today was the second time in a week (and since I got back from New York and my corporate training) that someone has called me "clinical."

At one time I would have said that was so completely false and far out that those people didn't even know me at all. (Emotions are my thing). Now, I think there is a really "clinical" side to me. I can be a very cold person, but I think that's always been a protection thing.

I think there's always been a clinical side to me, that I never really showed very often. People close to me have seen it (for example, I'm not much of a cuddler to my husband's dismay. I'm sort of like a cat. I want to cuddle when it is convenient for me). Certainly, it's seen at work more often than not, just because of the nature of what I do. I have to be very straightforward, strong-willed, no bullshit, and the person who is willing to say "Not a chance in hell" to an entire sales force.

Spending hours chit chatting on the phone? Nope. Please don't even call me.
Hugs? Ok fine, but not too long, please because, just don't.

However, I have been known to be an incredibly emotional person. I still am. I care about my friends and family deeply. I take pride in the fact that people can confide in me, and as you've read from earlier posts, the giving of my friendship means a whole lot to me. I get fired up when I feel like people I love have been wronged.
I cry at commercials. I cried at Grey's Anatomy last night, just like I do every Thursday night. I am compassionate to a fault. I guess I'm a little strange (aren't we all?) because I have this very emotional side to me and yet a very cold and unfeeling side as well.

However, since I got back from New York, I see my interactions with people so differently. Before, if anyone were to ever say to me "I can't help how you take what I say and that you feel that way" so help them God I would rain down the fire of a thousand suns on them. Now, I totally get that statement. I can't help how you perceive what I say. My intentions are my intentions. On my best days, I only have control over myself, how on earth am I supposed to control you and your emotions or how you react to me??
I'm just not going to take ownership of that. 

I've found myself finding situations to be very black and white lately. The saying "It is what it is" tends to be overused...but...most of the time, it really IS what it is. Usually, things are pretty clear cut. To be honest, I'm really loving it. I'm not into having a long detailed discussion about the problem and spending an hour and a half dissecting to pieces who is at fault, who should say they are sorry, who caused the problem, who instigated the problem, and etc etc.

I sort of already have a problem with speaking my mind....I don't do passive aggressive. You pretty much always know where you stand with me. If you're wondering if I'm talking about you, I'm probably not, because you would know if I was. I'm very conscientious that I may need to be even more careful of this.

I don't think this equates to me losing the emotional side of myself. In fact, I think this can only help me identify my true emotions. I'm liking seeing the logical side of everything, whereas before, I may have been clouded by a lot of those emotions. 

I'm loving my new black and white world, though. I don't think I'm going to leave.

Amitié, Amistad, Freundschaft, Venskab, Cairdeas

 Chances are you know what one of those words mean.

“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It's not something you learn in school. But if you haven't learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven't learned anything.” -Mohammed Ali

"Friendship is always a sweet responsibility, never an opportunity." -Unknown

I guess I like to think I surround myself with people who view friendship in the same manner as I do.  When I was a kid, my mom used to tell me, "One day, you'll end up like me, with a handful of close friends, and it's going to be the quality that matters, not the quantity."
(She's a smart lady.)
I always thought to myself, "But, Ma, ALL my large quantity of friends are quality anyways!"

Over the years, I learned that wasn't the case. I wasn't always a quality friend when I was young, but as I hit college, I learned what being a quality friend meant. And, over the years, I learned that not everyone understood what being a friend meant. As with everything I suppose, everyone has a different view on what being a friend means. I've had a constant in my life for about eight years now that I can say truly gets me and I truly get her and I'm thankful for that.

Forging deep connections requires a certain amount of emotional investment, authenticity and risk. Maintaining them demands energy and may occasionally push our boundaries. Most real friendships eventually take some work, and they almost never come with guarantees. This is something I've had to learn. When I really give of myself to a friendship...I give a guarantee, but what I'm learning is that it isn't always reciprocated. That hurts. When you think about it, it feels like other people are being chosen over you. It makes you think about your guarantee...and when it's time to revoke it...because at what point do you continue to reach out, to not have your friendship reciprocated?

On the other side of that coin, I've been SO very lucky in the past few months to take a friendship that I've had that was created when I started walking/running and really grow and water it. We've connected with things in our life, even rooting to our families, that my heart feels so connected to her and to say I'm thankful isn't enough. I feel like I can share anything with her--doubts and fears, both personally and professionally, and she has been my shelter from the storm. And I hope I've been the same for her. She is extraordinarily important in my life. She's my "sister" (*wink, wink*) and she knows who she is.

If you read classic literature on friendship, you'll see that to people such as Aristotle, Montaigne, Shakespeare, Hemmingway, and much later, C. S. Lewis, true friendship was much more than the companionship often mistaken for it. The friendship we find in their writings will probably not be found in the club, sharing a girls night out with acquaintances, or lamenting at happy hour. Montaigne even expressed you might find one true friendship in every 300 years. I don't necessarily believe that to be true...I mean Laverne & Shirley, Lucy & Ethel, The cast of Friends, The Pretty Little Liars...we've got some winners there.

I guess that was a long winded and blabbering way to say be kind to one another. Cherish your friendships. Friends are the people who help celebrate your success, provide support through the tough times, and through the consistent times, are there just to help you laugh.

Changes (not the TuPac kind)

Change can be scary. Whether the change is good or bad, there's something in all of us that equates change with fear. Personal and professional...it doesn't matter...I can remember going over pros and cons; worrying about what was going to be.
Half the time, the worst possible thing you could imagine is not anywhere close to what actually happens and you've expended all this energy that could have been used for good instead of evil!

It's taken me a long time to get to the point where, at least in the workplace, I've started to accept that change is good. It keeps people fresh. It creates new opportunities. I think I probably had to learn that once I acquired direct reports, because trust me, listening to seven people's fears leaves no time for your own.

Long story short, my group, which has always rolled into the sales organization is now reporting into Global Supply Chain. Without a whole lot of GE mumbo jumbo, this means big changes not only going global, but moving towards a "one company" approach.

I was given the opportunity to talk about our group in a video that was launched globally to the entire Global Supply Chain. It was a group of people and we were all in the video, but they started and ended with me and I think that's pretty cool and memorable.
Here's a screen cap from the video (since it's internal I can't actually link you to it, which is a bummer.)

Not only did I say this, but I introduced us globally as a group who "Is the hub of the business. Seamlessly orchestrating all functions of the business, turning an order into providing dependable patient care."
Which, yes, I did come up with myself (*pats self on back*) and I also think is pretty cool. Sometimes, I complain about my job, but in reality, my job is pretty cool when you think of who it affects down the line.

The advice I try to give my employees during this time, when things feel uncertain, is to embrace it. Embrace the uncertainty, because you can make it anything you want it to be. It's ok to feel nervous for a minute. But then move on and keep the communication lines open, because the more we talk about the changes, the more we can bring our ideas to the table to squash the fears.

 Change brings the opportunity for you to learn; for personal growth. Change brings improvements...imagine if change could give you a better work/life balance! Change forces you to look at the bigger picture. Instead of looking at what is right in front of you, it forces you to widen your view.

Change has also helped me become a better leader. Although, I love my senior employees, the fact that I've helped quite a few of them move onto amazing roles, allows me to bring in new employees and that keeps ME fresh. I always have to stay on top of my game with teaching and learning how to interact with new hires to make sure they are the best they can be. 

The next time you start to fear change....stop for a minute and think of all the possibilities it could bring you instead. If you can do that, it really is a game changer for you and the people around you.

Ancient Chinese Secret 5000 years old

That's what my Eastern Medicine Voodoo lady told me earlier this week. It was comical, out of a movie almost. (I say that with love.)

I was telling her about all my mom's health problems and her lung issues and she said "I can cure her."

I said "Sure you can. She's been in and out of the hospital since December, but you're gonna rub an herb on her and she's all better?"

She looked me dead in the eye and said "Ancient Chinese Medicine 5000 years old. Western medicine, not so much...and you. I make you believer."

Ok, ok!!!!

P.S. I'm a believer. Although she did bruise the shit out of my arm,

I forgive her. Because in the past week of seeing her, I've lost 5 lbs, I'm sleeping better, and I generally feel happier.
She's teaching me a lot about how my organs function, how they function together, and how the energy in your body is really important.

Additionally, each organ in your body is associated with a feeling. For example, your liver is associated with anger, the heart is associated with joy, the spleen with worry, the lung with grief, and the kidney with fear. As you work on these organs, you work on the feelings and the energy behind them...and trust me...lately, I've had a lot to work on in many of those departments. The past few months have been filled with all of those emotions and filled to the top.

I'm curious what today's session will bring because she always blows my mind!!!

In other news, it's concert season!!! I love fall because that's usually when my favorite bands show up and I don't have to worry about the crowds and grossness that is Summerfest. Tonight I'm seeing OKGO, who are legit geniuses. Tuesday I'm seeing Delta Spirit, and the following Monday, the ALMIGHTY PEARL JAM!!!!! This will be my second time seeing PJ. I've met Mike McCready and he is probably my favorite guitarist. He plays that guitar like it is part of his body. (And we all know I have a thing for guitarists...I did marry one!!!)

Happy weekend to everyone! We made it through the week!!!

Liver is associated with Anger
Heart is associated with Joy
Spleen is associated with Worry
Lung is associated with Grief
Kidney is associated with Fear
- See more at: http://www.tcmworld.org/what-is-tcm/tcm-healing-modali

Liver is associated with Anger
Heart is associated with Joy
Spleen is associated with Worry
Lung is associated with Grief
Kidney is associated with Fear
- See more at: http://www.tcmworld.org/what-is-tcm/tcm-healing-modalities/#sthash.JWWtd6Co.dpuf

Liver is associated with Anger
Heart is associated with Joy
Spleen is associated with Worry
Lung is associated with Grief
Kidney is associated with Fear
- See more at: http://www.tcmworld.org/what-is-tcm/tcm-healing-modalities/#sthash.JWWtd6Co.dpuf

Life starts all over again when it gets crisp in the fall

I've heard this quote before, but after the summer I've had, it really struck me when I saw it again.

We normally think of Spring as being a time of renewal and rebirth because that's when everything starts to bloom.
But, if you think about it, fall is where that whole process starts, isn't it?
For things to have a rebirth in the spring, the leaves need to fall off the trees, the flowers need to stop blooming, and the air needs to get chilled.

This fall has brought me a number starting over moments. Deepening friendships with people, recommitting to my health, both physically and mentally.

I got the chance to go out to our Corporate Learning facility in New York when I needed it the most. It helped me change the way I think about things, people, and how I react.
There was so much that I took away from that week long experience I couldn't possibly write about it all. Two very important things that I will talk about are two quotes.

One is "Thoughts become things...choose the good ones." When you make a point to focus on the negative thoughts in your head, you give them life. You give them gravity and mass and they become real, even when they are not. It's hard to do, but if you can stop and recognize the thought and re-frame it, your outlook on life can change drastically.

The other quote, I already have hanging on my wall, but I never really made a point to look at it every day.

"Be kinder than necessary, because everyone you meet is fighting some kind of battle."
This morning, when I was looking at the beauty of the moon and thinking about how small we are, this quote popped into my head.

There's a whole lot of evil in this world. There's a whole lot of people in this world who don't care about others. There's a whole lot of people who are hell bent on destroying others and breaking them into a million pieces.

I tend to believe, however, that for all those people in the world, there are many more good people, and we outnumber them. As I sat and looked at that moon and thought about all of the people in the world who were looking at it as well, I thought how wonderful it would be, if on a daily basis we all focused on the good. We all focused on helping a stranger, on being kinder, not only to ourselves, but to those faces in the parking lot or at the grocery store we don't give a second thought to.

What would that look like? As beautiful and immense and powerful and stunning as the moon this morning??

"You may say I'm a dreamer, but I'm not the only one."

Latest and greatest

It's been a rough summer, to say the least. 

As far as my car situation goes, I'm finally set. The devil Soul has been totaled, the white Sportage that was infested with billions if ants and ant eggs (because of course it was) has been returned. 

I am successfully driving a beautiful and safe grey Sportage which I am in love with. 

Mom has been in the hospital for seven days. This is right after Dad got out of ICU for pneumonia and sepsis. The expectation is that mom will be released tomorrow, but I guess we will play it by ear. She sounds and looks a million times better but she still has quite a bit of labored breathing. I have a hard time thinking we will ever get this COPD under control. The doc did mention as a very last resort we may need to consider a lung transplant....but that is so far down the line it isn't even worth talking about right now. 

My jaw seems to be semi under control. I have a guard I wear to keep my jaw in place. It's a weird feeling getting older. I often wonder if I'm having a mid life crisis at 34. 

There are days I feel like an old woman wishing I had done things differently, days I feel like living in the moment and letting all the "norms" be damned, and days I feel like an innocent teenager waiting for life experiences and feeling vulnerable and insecure. 

It's kind of an odd place to be.

But I suppose that's life, isn't it? Curve balls waiting around every corner...

Car accidents

Since December, this household has been in four car accidents. 

I slid into someone in December due to the bad weather.

About a month and a half ago I hit someone driving erratic on north ave. about a month ago nils was hit by a hit and run and then Tuesday I was in a pretty bad crash. The airbags deployed and I not only think they will total the car but I am praying for them to total the car. That thing has caused me nothing but problems since I got it. And if I didn't believe in curses before I do now. That car is cursed.

I have been an emotional weepy mess since Tuesday. I am bruised on my stomach from where the air bags got me and every day it is a reminder of how much worse it could have been, but also a reminder of the incessant bad luck I've been having. 

I just like crying, crying is my favorite. It's not but for as much as I have been doing it the past few days you'd think it was.

Pics don't do the damage justice, but let's all just hope for a complete loss and total on this please. On one hand, I could get rid of this car I don't feel safe in. But then the headache of how to afford a new car starts. This is the part I also wish I had a trust find or rich family memeber who could just help me the one time I need help. I don't like to ask for help because I should be able to do this stuff on my own. And I will. Either way, I'd like to get this over and done with so I can stop feeling like I'm going to vomit every minute if every day.

If it's not one thing, it's another

For the love.
I've been grinding my teeth since I was in high school. I do it in my sleep. During the day, I deal with stress by clenching my jaw...I don't even know I do it anymore.

Last week I started noticing a popping in the left side of my jaw. Didn't think much of it until Friday, when I yawned and ended up having to force my jaw closed.

I apparently have a slipped disc in my jaw from TMD/TMJ.

Temporomandibular disorders (TMD) occur as a result of problems with the jaw, jaw joint and surrounding facial muscles that control chewing and moving the jaw. These disorders are often incorrectly called TMJ, which stands for  temporomandibular joint.

What Is the Temporomandibular Joint (TMJ)?

The temporomandibular joint (TMJ) is the hinge joint that connects the lower jaw (mandible) to the temporal bone of the skull, which is immediately in front of the ear on each side of your head. The joints are flexible, allowing the jaw to move smoothly up and down and side to side and enabling you to talk, chew, and yawn. Muscles attached to and surrounding the jaw joint control the position and movement of the jaw.

What Causes TMD?

The cause of TMD is not clear, but dentists believe that symptoms arise from problems with the muscles of the jaw or with the parts of the joint itself.

Injury to the jaw, temporomandibular joint, or muscles of the head and neck – such as from a heavy blow or whiplash – can cause TMD. Other possible causes include:

• Grinding or clenching the teeth, which puts a lot of pressure on the TMJ
• Dislocation of the soft cushion or disc between the ball and socket
• Presence of osteoarthritis or rheumatoid arthritis in the TMJ
• Stress, which can cause a person to tighten facial and jaw muscles or clench the teeth

So I went to the dentist who basically told me it was a strained muscle. I decided to go to a chiropractor for a second opinion after doing some research and my jaw was actually slightly dislocated. He did an adjustment and I felt instant relief. However, the disc is still slipping. I have another appointment with him tomorrow. From what I've read, I just need to let this heal, but do you know how hard it is not to chew or talk animatedly for me?

I hope this resolves quickly.

Exclusion

I hit a huge milestone today. I ran nine miles. No literally. I ran nine miles with zno stopping. Normally I walk, normally I run/walk. Today I hit my stride. Slow pace but I'm ok with that.i never claimed to be fast. My goal was to run this half. I thought it was impossible but now I know it is not.

On the other hand...always, there is a but, right? I'm feeling pretty excluded from things. I am training and I normally am a solitary person. But, I'm not getting invited to go to concerts, to hang out on weekends...I don't know. Either I have given off the vibe that my training will interfere or I guess my friends, or people that I thought of as friends just don't consider me as someone to invite to do things anymore. 

And the other people in my life I considered friends I've been really questioning their priorities lately. There is a lot of selfish happening in my life and I feel like I'm getting really tired of it. 

Loneliness is a bitch. 

Fat Shaming

Stop it. JUST STOP.
Who made you judge and jury? Who gave you the right to decide that you were better than someone else? I am so very sick of the discussions around how the only way to get overweight people to "get healthy" is to point out how fat and disgusting they are.
You know what? You're a bully. That's what you are. And I'm pretty sure they taught you in kindergarten that it wasn't NICE to bully.

A distant relative has been on a tirade lately on her facebook about fat people and how she's so tired of hearing them complain about how fat they are and how they should "just get off their asses and do something about it."
You know what? Go to hell.

This was my response.


Nicole Johansen I have a lot to say on this topic. As someone who once weighed 290 lbs "just do something about it" is easier said than done. I tried every diet known to man and unfortunately those who are naturally thin or spend their lives working out don't necessarily understand that "just do it" is sometimes impossible. I had to have surgical intervention. Which was right for me and it helped me get healthy. But to judge people is unacceptable. "Fat acceptance" isn't a thing. Acceptance in general is a thing. And it's not only personal acceptance but acceptance of others. Stop judging people when you don't know their situation, their mental state, or whether they have a medical condition, or anything of the sort. I agree food in this country is a joke. But that is two separate issues.
Nicole Johansen In addition, this whole fat shaming thing is bullying. Being fat doesn't mean a person is lazy or unhealthy. And honestly, this whole fat shaming thing is something that is not only demotivating for people but it can be paralytic. Why should I go to the gym when the size 6 is going to look at me and roll her eyes? People need to have their own defining moment and decide what it means for them to be healthy and do what is right for them. If someone is overweight, that is no one else's right to comment on or discuss.

Speaking words of wisdom, let it be

Wow, two posts in one day.

I couldn't go by without putting this down though because something very special happened to me tonight. 

It's odd how things happen, don't you think? 

I had no intention if doing yoga tonight however the treadmills were all full at the gym and I was right on time to pop into class. My lower back had been hurting and I thought it could only help.

I'm usually not very focused during practice. I can't get out of my own head and I'm too focused on balance but for some reason none of that mattered tonight. 

I was able to let everything go and just breathe into the poses. It was almost the end and I was in tree pose. I know how bizarre what I'm about to say is going to sound, trust me. 

All of a sudden, in the mirror the figure I was looking at changed. The "fat girl" wasn't there anymore. I saw ME. I saw me how others see me. I saw a healthy, thin, beautiful woman. That honestly is the first time the fat girl wasn't there staring back at me. 

I don't know if this will last or what even happened tonight but as tears stream down my face I am thankful for the view that I saw tonight. 

To child or not to child

As we had a baby shower today for one of my employees, the never ending question arose about when I was going to "join the club", when I was going to "pop one out", and "was I next?"

After politely smiling time after time, again and again, explaining that Nils and I don't want children right now and then getting the "but, why", I've almost resigned myself to these conversations.

With a deep sigh I no longer feel indignant and annoyed when I get asked these questions because what's the point? The conversations happen all the time.
There are few people that I will actually have the full on conversation about why with...that includes my two very best friends, my mother, and my very favorite cousin Tami. Other than that...I don't want to discuss it with you. 

And then, as if by miracle, this article appeared on facebook today posted by a friend.

I don't have anything to add to it.
It's basically perfectly written. And I'll leave it at that.

READ ME

Servant Leadership

I've been doing a lot of questioning of myself lately. Today that came to an end.

Today I was shown what a difference I make in the lives of my employees both personally and professionally.

Today my Director played this video in addition and I know where I belong

http://m.youtube.com/watch?v=YVMBJ9kvl2g

Something Wicked

I just watched the latest Dateline called "Something Wicked."

In a small town, in a high school, there were three girls. Two girls befriended a third and went through an entire process of becoming inseperable with the intent of murdering her. 

I thought that nothing could shock me any longer, but the murder of Skylar Neece did. The police officer said "evil comes in all sizes and shapes." The parents, the other girl's friends...none of them saw this coming. These two girls were such amazing actresses that after Skylar went missing, Skylar's parents begged the police to leave the two girls alone because they were "like daughters" and couldn't possibly have anything to do with this. 

To think, that my nieces are going to school and later in life might have to deal with people like this is sickening to me. These 16 year old girls had their parents, their school mates, and a "best friend" they spent 24 hours a day with fooled beyond belief. The whole time intending to murder her to see what it was like. You may say to me, there had to be signs. There's nothing to worry about because people like that will be found out. An entire town and high school full of kids and teachers didn't find them out. 

Some people say you can't live your life in fear and the joy of having a child of your own outweighs the small chance that this could happen. 

I say...does it really? 

The scale vs me

That scale....the one that sits in the corner stating at me, taunting me. The one that says I dare you to throw me away...because I know you'll last half a day with out me. 

That damn scale. 

The one that I get on religiously every morning. That one that I then get on religiously every night. 

That awful scale.

Although, if I'm being fair, it's not all the scale's fault. Whether I have the scale or don't have the scale, a healthy view of my body is not something I believe I will ever have. 

I wonder about that sometimes. What caused it? What could have prevented it? Anything? Certainly I always compared myself to my skinny friends, the ones who naturally wore a size 4. My grandma always used to comment on my weight to tell me how fat I was getting. What was it about me, that I won the slow metabolism lottery?

At any rate, here I am now. 115 lbs lighter. I ran two miles today. And yet I got on the scale when I got home and was disappointed with what I saw. 

That damn scale. 

Success

I asked my employees today what success looked like to them. When they came in to the office in the morning and when they went home at the end of the day, how did they know they were successful? I got responses like "I helped my field" or "I entered order and followed them from beginning to end." And then I said So what? And they looked at me a little shocked but I said think about it a minute. You're talking very tactically, which of course is part of your job. But, are you also taking your time? Or are you rushing through one email to the next not knowing the root cause of the problem? Are you being a servant leader by making sure your field teams have what they need or are you rolling your eyes because how could they possibly not know how to fill out a change order?

So I challenged them to look at success in a different form. Did you come in and did you do, to the best of your ability and beyond your job? Did you take servant leadership and humble yourself and say what is that I can do for you? Did you take your time to make sure all of the updates are where they need to be? Or are you rushing through life half assign everything you touch?success has to do with numbers, sure. But the true meaning of success is did you accomplish your goals in the best way possible. Did you try your hardest and leave nothing on the field? Then you were successful. 

Identity Crisis

I have spent the past three days locked in a room at GE trying to solve world hunger. Or, as we call it a Kaizen. 

It's really draining. You use all your brain power streamlining and creating for nine hours a day. 

There's a reason working in the "lean" function is not something I do. It's not that I can't be a big picture thinker or think outside of the box, but it gets really frustrating when people are trying to boil the ocean (buzz words). I don't think like that. I tackle one problem at a time. It just makes sense that way.

Today also made me think about expectations. When you participate in these events, the expectations are always high. The deliverables are expected to have the wow factor. I think that puts a lot of unnecessary pressure in people. 

To personalize this a little bit, I think I'm feeling a lot of pressure lately. I've been flying high lately. I feel pretty respected. I feel pretty in demand. I feel like I am on a pedestal. Which, maybe I put myself there and my high expectations if myself aren't even in the ballpark of what my senior leaders expect from me. In reality, I know my employees put a lot more pressure on themselves than I ever would on them. 

I'm doing well because I'm an expert. I know I can't be an expert at everything, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be. My fear is that I will look like a fraud or like I don't know what I'm talking about or that I will be less respected than I am now. 

I think everyone has a fear of disappointing someone or themselves. I think I'm afraid of both. I know I am not defined by my job. There's so much more to me. But it's one thing I'm really really good at. If I'm not the expert, who am I? 

I'm a celebrity.

I'm not really. But I feel like one. I wrote to People magazine after their annual "Half Their Size" issue. The tag line on the front of the article said "No surgery, no gimmicks."

It rubbed me the wrong way. Bariatric surgery has had a stigma attached to it for a long time. And even though it is more popular now, there's still a stigma attached to it. "Ohhhh, you lost weight through SURGERY."

People don't understand that although I used a tool to help me out, I had to make a huge lifestyle change too. 

I watch what I eat and I work out A LOT. It's not just like a magic bean that grows a stalk. It's not a unicorn. It simply a tool just like your fit bit is. So I wrote in and tried to consolidate all that into something powerful and they printed it! 

So I'm super thrilled with this. It's a message everyone needs to see. 

The second part of this is the doubt I've been having lately. The whole "what am I doing with my life, is this all there is?!" Sad emo posts I've been doing. 

But after my friend Karie posted something today it made me realize that, yes, this is all there is. And I'm living my life and making a difference. 

I'm kicking ass for the CCFA. I'm letting people know in a national magazine that stigmas aren't ok. I'm changing lives. And I'm shaping futures. And I'm amazing. 

Do-overs

Since I've been thinking lately about how I feel like I'm just sort if finding out who I am, I asked the question today on Twitter

"What would you do with your life if money wasn’t on object and/or you could go back and do it over again?"

Do you know I didn't get a response? Not from any of my 1500 followers. So are 1500 people ignoring me or is it a topic no one wants to think about?

I was thinking about all the things I would do if I didn't have to work and if I could re-do my life up until this point. I don't know if that's sad or unhealthy, but it was I was thinking about.

Remember as a child, there was nothing more you wanted to do but be a grown up? I wish I could bottle up what I'm feeling now and pass it to my nieces. 

Just because I'd want them to know that they should follow their hearts, but also think about money...and how lovely money is. :) 

They say money can't buy happiness, but I tend to disagree. I mean to an extent, I guess. If you're generally an unhappy person money isn't going to fix you. But if you're generally a happy person, money is totally going to enhance that. 

There's a famous piece of artwork that starts out by saying "If I could do it all over" ... Well, if I could do it all over maybe I'd realize there was more to this world. Maybe I'd move to New York and go to school there. Maybe I'd go and get a nursing degree or a law degree. Instead, I sort of feel like I took the easy way out. I went to a school close to home, roomed with a high school friend, partied and chose the easiest, lowest GPA major I could find. Would it change the course of where I ended up today? I don't know. 

So, the other side to the coin is right now...if I had money and didn't have to work, I'd do so much good. I'd volunteer and really spend my time making a difference, fighting injustices. I'd save a bunch if animals, I'd protest SeaWorld, I'd save Darfur, and I'd join the Peace Corps and go to third world countries and build schools and houses and give them water. I sometimes just wonder what my life's meaning is. 

What a difference a year makes

I realized today that one year ago at this time I was just being removed from the operating room from my second bariatric surgery. Third if you count the one where they had to do the reversal and fix what broke.

It seems so long ago and yet it seems just like yesterday. I remember vividly the struggles I faced right after surgery and how scared I was that something g was going to go wrong.

But since then I've lost another 42 lbs. I originally started in a size 24. I got down to a 14 and after the complication got back up to a 16. Now I'm in a size 10. It's really hard to comprehend sometimes how far I've come. I'm not just talking physically, but mentally. Trust me when I say mentally I still have a long way to go. But I've also come a long way as well. 

I decided to do my third half marathon this year. I think it might be my final. Not my final race but my final of that distance. I still feel like I have something to prove, although if you ask me what that something is, I wouldn't be able to tell you. 

I sometimes still don't feel like I know who I am. Although, I am more "me" than I've ever been before. When I was heavy, I was just Nicole, the cranky, sarcastic, fat girl. Now I'm Nicky, the cranky (way less so), sarcastic (still just as much), social activist, coach, inspirational speaker, social media maven, and all around likable gal. 

Maybe I was those things before and I just couldn't see them? Either way, I'm still enjoying learning who the new Nicole/Nicky is.