Weight and acceptance

I've been going to this really great bootcamp for the past few weeks at Body by Design. I found it based on a Groupon and it is one of the hardest things I've ever done but it's just what I needed as a change up in my routine.

I can tell I feel better, I've lost a pants size, but the scale isn't moving. We all know I have a problem with that.  My personal trainer is telling me to get rid of my scale and I can't bring myself to do it. I don't have the luxury of someone who has been naturally thin all my life. I don't have the mind set of someone who can just say "who cares what the scale says" because for a long time I didn't weigh myself and I got to 290 lbs. This, right now, is simply not an option and I know Taylor really cares about seeing me succeed but he has a lot of work ahead of him, and I'm not sure he understands that a lot of it is mental.

I've heard twice this week about me getting smaller and no matter what I do, I look in that mirror and see the same fat girl that has always been there. I simply don't know if that will ever go away. 

Musings

I'm not sure why this came to be, but why not, I guess? I was looking at my ring tonight and I thought about grade school, and being an adult, and what I thought that might mean. Partly, I think, because one of the friends I'm speaking of now went to grade school with me. 

It's odd  me right now, because almost all of my close friends are in the process of getting divorced. And so I think back to what put that ring on my finger, and what's left and put back on the ring on my mom's finger; and it's just a weird reality check to hear my friends are getting divorced. So that is my weird news report of the day. 

I know it isn't black and white. I know that being married doesn't lead to divorce. It's hard work, regardless. I just hope that if I have children, I show them the reality vs the glass slipper.

In other, less depressing news, I got a groupon for a month of unlimited boot camps and I'm killing it. It's so great. I'm sore, literally every day, but it's good. I'm so glad I found them because after this I'm going to do personal training with them and it's the most comfortable I've felt in a long time. 

In more depressing news, one of my best friends had a house fire. They have been living out of a hotel since last week. They lost one of their cats during the fire, she ran off. They will soon be moving into temporary housing either Friday or this weekend. I will be looking to get them additional items to supplement their living in temporary housing in addition to all of the clothesthat I have collected on their behalf. People are being so generous. I cannot imagine what they're going through even watching them go through it on a first-hand basis. 

And that is caught up. At least for now. 

Out of touch

I haven't written lately because I've been terribly busy. 

Last week I went to Canada for 24 hours for work. 

I've been working a lot and trying real hard to keep my sanity. I have a new boss who isn't making my life easy. I am looking for a new role because this one has me pretty overwhelmed.

The one solace I find to calm me is working out. Which, in the past two weeks I just haven't had time for and it's been emotionally affecting me. 

So I joined a boot camp which I am sure to regret. I found a group in for a 30 day unlimited class and I am taking advantage of it. Either I will come out buff and stress less or dead.

Let's hope it's the first one. 

Restoration

Was listening to a sermon while I was working today and it somehow struck me about how loving and graceful our God is. The pastor was talking about how Jesus just wants to help you build what is broken. And that one of the most powerful verses of the Bible comes from Genesis after He expels Adam and Eve for sinning.

Do you remember what happened after that? I didn't. As they were leaving with their shame and their guilt, God gave them clothes and said to them "You don't have to walk with that--here are the things that will cover your guilt and your shame." Because we don't HAVE to carry that with us. We aren't SUPPOSED to carry it with us. If God is in the business of restoring His people the greatest part about what He says in Amos is that it IS going to happen. There are no conditions on this. It's not if you pray more or you go to church more or you journal more or you promise Him more. He doesn't ask anything of us...our Father in heaven has already done it, and He is here to give it to us. ALL we have to do is believe that God is going to do it. It's only because of God's greatness. This is the promise and the hope of what we have as we move forward. God will take everything that is broken and will build it up again. 

He restores. And He restores no matter how big or small. God takes that which is broken and builds it up again. 

He loves doing that. 

Whatever it is in your life, minor or major, needing restoration, God said I will do it.

The good news is that God has PROMISED to repair and restore us.

And He will do it unconditionally because of his ever bounding grace and mercy.

Pretty powerful stuff. 

House woes

Well, today we rescinded our offer on the house. I have mixed emotions. Part of me is really upset and sad because we came so close. The other part of me is ok with it because we will save another year and be able to get something even better. 

It's hard when you can picture what you want but you can't afford it.

The house we chose didn't just have roof issues, but it had structural damage. We would have had to negotiate the seller pay for not only a new roof but the structural repairs (upwards of 30K) the fix to the basement drain, a new AC unit, water heater, and garage door.

I am actually not even sure how this lady managed to list this house before and am pretty confident she has been grassing people for the 6 years she has been trying to sell the house by not disclosing the issues. 

I'm sad. But next year at this time we will have a turn key brand new home in Tosa where we want to be and we won't settle. 

What do I title this blog post?

A little bit of this, a little bit of that.

I just turned 35 and it wasn't as scary as I thought. I had a blast with friends and realized I no longer can hold my liquor. 

We saw a house a few weeks ago and nothing we have seen since has measured up. I think we are going to place an offer. I am trying not to get my hopes up because there are a lot of eyes on this house, but it would be perfect for us and for entertaining.

I lovingly call it the giraffe house because inside the house, currently, is a floor to ceiling statue of a giraffe.

My mindset is set so that if we don't get the house, I know it wasn't meant to be. I really like the house though.

I've been off working out for about three weeks. My first outdoor run, my hamstring injury came back with a vengeance. I was planning on running the Ragnar Relay but I have had to back out due to it. I've noticed that my mindset gets really bad when I'm not working out so I have to get back in the groove. Some days I wonder if I will ever be happy with my weight or my body. I fluctuate about 5-7 lbs, but there is a number on the scale I just can't look past. Which, to an extent is good, because if I'm there I know I need to do what I'm supposed to be doing. 

I've decided to give up alcohol for the month of May and try to focus on my health. Booze is empty calories....but it tastes so good! I also have thought about getting a mini tummy tuck if I can get insurance to cover it. Sometimes they will if excess skin after your weight loss is causing medical problems. I know I've come a long way, but that part of my body will never go away and I don't know how to love myself in spite of it. I know I'll feel better and not hate it as much when I get back to working out, but even though those thoughts lessen at that point, they are still there. I have never proclaimed that I'd like to be a size 4. My body doesn't work that way. My ideal size in my head is an 8. I feel like skin removal should be a part of bariatric surgery after a certain time period. I'll keep my bat wings, no big deal, but I'd love to shrink this tummy. I tend to focus on it more when I'm not working out and I realize this. So I'll check back in a couple weeks and see if my mindset has improved! If someone ever figures out the magic cure on how to love your body no matter what please send it my way. 

I also have a new boss. I like her but having a boss who actually wants to make a difference in our department is sort of already exhausting. She is no nonsense which is good and bad at the same time. I've been pretty content with running things with no one to answer to for the past year and so now I have to put on my game face again. 

That's all for now. Keep your fingers crossed on the giraffe house! 

March Update

There's so much to talk about that I'm not sure where to start!
I guess I can start with the most recent and work my way to babbling about everything else.
This past weekend I did the American Lung Association Fight For Air Climb.

I climbed 47 flights of stairs to the top of the US Bank building in downtown Milwaukee. Since mom has been diagnosed with COPD, it was a personal event and fundraising campaign, but it was also something I never had done before. Stairs usually aren't my friend. I fall up them and down them. Luckily, there was none of that. I also happened to be the 19th top fundraiser out of the over 3000 people that participated, which is pretty cool. I won't say I'll never do it again, but I certainly have to figure out a better way to train for it. IT WAS HARD. And to think there was some girl who did it seven times in one hour, not only blows my mind, but reaffirms the fact that there ARE crazy people out there.

I did it!

The other major thing that is happening right now is we are seriously looking at buying a house. We just got life insurance.  Now we're looking at houses. Adulting this much is really freaking me out. I didn't think it would, but it is. I mostly think it's because I'm feeling very rushed by people right now and I don't like that. Our landlords are currently in Mexico, so we are awaiting an answer from them on what they are willing to do as far as our lease goes. It is up May 1st and I've asked them if they would consider a 3 or 6 month lease, to give us some time to look and really comfortably choose the right home. Not knowing that answer and being pushed is making me a bit irritated to the point where I sort of want to say let's just forget it for this spring and we'll try again next year. We'll get that answer probably tomorrow and we've been long time tenants so I expect they will work with us a bit.
As a first time home buyer, I plan to take my time. And I plan to find the RIGHT house. There are things I will compromise on cosmetically, but there are also things I am absolutely not compromising on and being told I should is not making me happy. If I'm spending money on investing in a house, it's going to be what I want. Otherwise I might as well continue to rent where I feel content.

In a few short weeks I will turn 35. I normally don't have an issue with birthdays. Actually, almost never. 27 was a hard birthday for me, which I realize is a weird number, but for whatever reason I really took it hard. Like I was supposed to have so much done by 27, is what I thought at the time. I think I'm feeling the same way about 35. I should have already bought a house by now. I should have already had a financial planner by now. Why did I JUST get life insurance? What else am I missing?
What else should I have done by now?
 

I'm feeling a little lost at work right now with a new boss and another new boss coming within the next quarter. I got a pretty significant raise this year. I had to fight and fight hard for it. I deserved it though. I regret nothing about fighting for my worth. Things are just so uncertain at work with where we are going. I just feel like I'm being pulled in so many directions, I can't do well at any one thing because I'm doing everything. Thinking about where my next career move is/should be...it's all just a lot happening. I sort of feel like I just want to hide under my covers and let the world happen around me. I'll just stay in this job and rent until I'm dead. That solves everything I think. Or I wish I had someone who would just do all these things for me and then let me know when everything is done.

Life man. Life.

Enough said.

It's been a while

Sometimes you feel like so much has happened in your life that you aren't sure where to start...and sometimes you think, well really nothing THAT exciting happened and so I let my blog slide. I should stop that though, because it's really for me to get my feelings out. 

I guess the biggest thing is we are going to buy a house. It scares the shit out of me. But not enough to stay where we are. I want to entertain and have a big kitchen and not feel cramped. 

I'm still scared to death. 

I got a raise at work--one I fought for and deserved. As with anything, my lovely new boss is mr micromanager and it's driving me insane. How can one person be running the US, Canada, and Latin America and still micromanage? It seems like the atoms would not fit with the neutrons or however that works.

I'm loving my friends lately. Spending time with some girls who get it and we have girls nights weekly and we just forget about everything and have fun. I love that I can do that and spend time away from my wonderful husband and then know the next day we get to snuggle up together. Couples who feel the need to spend every moment together not only worry me but are doomed I think. 

The friends that I've kept close to and the new ones in making are helping me see that friendship, for some people changes based on what they need. For me, my need is simple...someone loyal, who wants to be in my life and puts effort into our friendship. Simple right? 

In other news, I'm doing the stair climb on he 21st and I'm quite confident dying might be in the future. Good luck to me. But I raised almost $1000 and that's what is important. 

Good night for now!