Identity Crisis

I have spent the past three days locked in a room at GE trying to solve world hunger. Or, as we call it a Kaizen. 

It's really draining. You use all your brain power streamlining and creating for nine hours a day. 

There's a reason working in the "lean" function is not something I do. It's not that I can't be a big picture thinker or think outside of the box, but it gets really frustrating when people are trying to boil the ocean (buzz words). I don't think like that. I tackle one problem at a time. It just makes sense that way.

Today also made me think about expectations. When you participate in these events, the expectations are always high. The deliverables are expected to have the wow factor. I think that puts a lot of unnecessary pressure in people. 

To personalize this a little bit, I think I'm feeling a lot of pressure lately. I've been flying high lately. I feel pretty respected. I feel pretty in demand. I feel like I am on a pedestal. Which, maybe I put myself there and my high expectations if myself aren't even in the ballpark of what my senior leaders expect from me. In reality, I know my employees put a lot more pressure on themselves than I ever would on them. 

I'm doing well because I'm an expert. I know I can't be an expert at everything, but that doesn't stop me from wanting to be. My fear is that I will look like a fraud or like I don't know what I'm talking about or that I will be less respected than I am now. 

I think everyone has a fear of disappointing someone or themselves. I think I'm afraid of both. I know I am not defined by my job. There's so much more to me. But it's one thing I'm really really good at. If I'm not the expert, who am I? 

I'm a celebrity.

I'm not really. But I feel like one. I wrote to People magazine after their annual "Half Their Size" issue. The tag line on the front of the article said "No surgery, no gimmicks."

It rubbed me the wrong way. Bariatric surgery has had a stigma attached to it for a long time. And even though it is more popular now, there's still a stigma attached to it. "Ohhhh, you lost weight through SURGERY."

People don't understand that although I used a tool to help me out, I had to make a huge lifestyle change too. 

I watch what I eat and I work out A LOT. It's not just like a magic bean that grows a stalk. It's not a unicorn. It simply a tool just like your fit bit is. So I wrote in and tried to consolidate all that into something powerful and they printed it! 

So I'm super thrilled with this. It's a message everyone needs to see. 

The second part of this is the doubt I've been having lately. The whole "what am I doing with my life, is this all there is?!" Sad emo posts I've been doing. 

But after my friend Karie posted something today it made me realize that, yes, this is all there is. And I'm living my life and making a difference. 

I'm kicking ass for the CCFA. I'm letting people know in a national magazine that stigmas aren't ok. I'm changing lives. And I'm shaping futures. And I'm amazing. 

Do-overs

Since I've been thinking lately about how I feel like I'm just sort if finding out who I am, I asked the question today on Twitter

"What would you do with your life if money wasn’t on object and/or you could go back and do it over again?"

Do you know I didn't get a response? Not from any of my 1500 followers. So are 1500 people ignoring me or is it a topic no one wants to think about?

I was thinking about all the things I would do if I didn't have to work and if I could re-do my life up until this point. I don't know if that's sad or unhealthy, but it was I was thinking about.

Remember as a child, there was nothing more you wanted to do but be a grown up? I wish I could bottle up what I'm feeling now and pass it to my nieces. 

Just because I'd want them to know that they should follow their hearts, but also think about money...and how lovely money is. :) 

They say money can't buy happiness, but I tend to disagree. I mean to an extent, I guess. If you're generally an unhappy person money isn't going to fix you. But if you're generally a happy person, money is totally going to enhance that. 

There's a famous piece of artwork that starts out by saying "If I could do it all over" ... Well, if I could do it all over maybe I'd realize there was more to this world. Maybe I'd move to New York and go to school there. Maybe I'd go and get a nursing degree or a law degree. Instead, I sort of feel like I took the easy way out. I went to a school close to home, roomed with a high school friend, partied and chose the easiest, lowest GPA major I could find. Would it change the course of where I ended up today? I don't know. 

So, the other side to the coin is right now...if I had money and didn't have to work, I'd do so much good. I'd volunteer and really spend my time making a difference, fighting injustices. I'd save a bunch if animals, I'd protest SeaWorld, I'd save Darfur, and I'd join the Peace Corps and go to third world countries and build schools and houses and give them water. I sometimes just wonder what my life's meaning is. 

What a difference a year makes

I realized today that one year ago at this time I was just being removed from the operating room from my second bariatric surgery. Third if you count the one where they had to do the reversal and fix what broke.

It seems so long ago and yet it seems just like yesterday. I remember vividly the struggles I faced right after surgery and how scared I was that something g was going to go wrong.

But since then I've lost another 42 lbs. I originally started in a size 24. I got down to a 14 and after the complication got back up to a 16. Now I'm in a size 10. It's really hard to comprehend sometimes how far I've come. I'm not just talking physically, but mentally. Trust me when I say mentally I still have a long way to go. But I've also come a long way as well. 

I decided to do my third half marathon this year. I think it might be my final. Not my final race but my final of that distance. I still feel like I have something to prove, although if you ask me what that something is, I wouldn't be able to tell you. 

I sometimes still don't feel like I know who I am. Although, I am more "me" than I've ever been before. When I was heavy, I was just Nicole, the cranky, sarcastic, fat girl. Now I'm Nicky, the cranky (way less so), sarcastic (still just as much), social activist, coach, inspirational speaker, social media maven, and all around likable gal. 

Maybe I was those things before and I just couldn't see them? Either way, I'm still enjoying learning who the new Nicole/Nicky is.