New Years Resolutions

I normally don't make resolutions. I don't know...it always seemed silly to me.

This year feels different. It's been an odd year and I'm looking forward to the promise Jan 1st brings. It's kind of like if you had a bad year you can pretend it never happened! 2014? Gone! 2015? Here!

After Christmas Day and the events that happened, I am more determined than ever to get rid of this year. I am still having a bit of internal turmoil over yesterday. I'm not sure how I'm feeling. Sad? Angry? Disappointed? Tired? A bit empty? Guilty? (I was told last night that my education and the way I use my words makes me sound nasty. Even though it's illogical I am now feeling guilty about my accomplishments). Full of emotion? A bit devoid of emotion? All of the above?

I had been thinking about resolutions before yesterday but today I've been thinking of them a bit more.

• Stay healthy--keep eating right, keep going to the gym, try to keep my stress level down
• Speaking of stress--not allowing work control my life or people stress me out
• Show my husband how much I love him on a daily basis
• Accept what is and what is not. 
• Be more self aware...of my actions, my emotions, and even the underlying emotions under the emotions on top of the emotions
• Be nicer. Even when people don't deserve it. 
• But also continue to not let people walk all over me

I think the one that is going to be hardest is being nice when people don't deserve it. Not because being nice is hard....but because it sort of feels like I'm giving up...or...I'm not sure how to say it...giving in? Allowing myself to be a door mat? Some people will say it's being the bigger person, right?

Although, I'm not sure any of that matters. The feeling I had when I cut my biological father out of my life was me reaching that lack of emotion place. I think "they" say that you're really kind of done when you just feel nothing. I guess I kind of am feeling that now. You go through so much and you come to an acceptance that things just aren't going to change no matter what you do or say. I sort of, in a weird way, think this is going to be more peaceful. Because nothing matters anymore. Making up doesn't matter, trying to get her to love me doesn't matter, and after today I just feel nothing. I have no reason to try and I have no reason to allow the lies, the things that have been done and said, to mean anything anymore. It's a weird sort of calm I am feeling.

I don't know. I guess in the end it's a self preservation thing, to quote "Love Actually."
And in the end, I'm ready for a new beginning. 

One of these things is not like the other

Was talking with a friend today about how things are "different" now. Neither of us could put a finger on what it was that made things feel different...

I received a text and it was put perfectly...."feeling around in the darkness...are you there?"

Twitter and Facebook used to be really fun places. Where you made friends, and you shared funny things, and you shared your life, and it was this community. An actual real live community. It's hard to explain to people who don't "get" Twitter...the sense of friendship and community that come along with it. You interact with these people so much that even if you have never met them you feel like you have. But then you DO meet them and it's like you've known each other forever.

I get that things change. Sometimes slowly and over time and before you know it you're left standing there wondering what happened. That's how I'm feeling today. Like I woke up and thought to myself "Where did my community go?"

I met some really great people through twitter. Some of them are still there and some of them have pulled away in real life. I'm having trouble with that too...the people who have pulled away in real life...people I thought I'd be friends with forever are not including me in their lives anymore and that hurts. 

That community sort of feels lonely now. Has social media just "jumped the shark?" I don't know. Maybe. That community now feels like a person who is trying too hard. That community used to be get togethers and getting through the day together and living vicariously through what others were doing and I could go on and on.

My hope is that this community isn't gone for good. My hope is that there is just an odd lull in the community and that someone turns the lights back on.

I'm not sure I like the darkness.

Changes (not the TuPac kind)

Change can be scary. Whether the change is good or bad, there's something in all of us that equates change with fear. Personal and professional...it doesn't matter...I can remember going over pros and cons; worrying about what was going to be.
Half the time, the worst possible thing you could imagine is not anywhere close to what actually happens and you've expended all this energy that could have been used for good instead of evil!

It's taken me a long time to get to the point where, at least in the workplace, I've started to accept that change is good. It keeps people fresh. It creates new opportunities. I think I probably had to learn that once I acquired direct reports, because trust me, listening to seven people's fears leaves no time for your own.

Long story short, my group, which has always rolled into the sales organization is now reporting into Global Supply Chain. Without a whole lot of GE mumbo jumbo, this means big changes not only going global, but moving towards a "one company" approach.

I was given the opportunity to talk about our group in a video that was launched globally to the entire Global Supply Chain. It was a group of people and we were all in the video, but they started and ended with me and I think that's pretty cool and memorable.
Here's a screen cap from the video (since it's internal I can't actually link you to it, which is a bummer.)

Not only did I say this, but I introduced us globally as a group who "Is the hub of the business. Seamlessly orchestrating all functions of the business, turning an order into providing dependable patient care."
Which, yes, I did come up with myself (*pats self on back*) and I also think is pretty cool. Sometimes, I complain about my job, but in reality, my job is pretty cool when you think of who it affects down the line.

The advice I try to give my employees during this time, when things feel uncertain, is to embrace it. Embrace the uncertainty, because you can make it anything you want it to be. It's ok to feel nervous for a minute. But then move on and keep the communication lines open, because the more we talk about the changes, the more we can bring our ideas to the table to squash the fears.

 Change brings the opportunity for you to learn; for personal growth. Change brings improvements...imagine if change could give you a better work/life balance! Change forces you to look at the bigger picture. Instead of looking at what is right in front of you, it forces you to widen your view.

Change has also helped me become a better leader. Although, I love my senior employees, the fact that I've helped quite a few of them move onto amazing roles, allows me to bring in new employees and that keeps ME fresh. I always have to stay on top of my game with teaching and learning how to interact with new hires to make sure they are the best they can be. 

The next time you start to fear change....stop for a minute and think of all the possibilities it could bring you instead. If you can do that, it really is a game changer for you and the people around you.

To child or not to child

As we had a baby shower today for one of my employees, the never ending question arose about when I was going to "join the club", when I was going to "pop one out", and "was I next?"

After politely smiling time after time, again and again, explaining that Nils and I don't want children right now and then getting the "but, why", I've almost resigned myself to these conversations.

With a deep sigh I no longer feel indignant and annoyed when I get asked these questions because what's the point? The conversations happen all the time.
There are few people that I will actually have the full on conversation about why with...that includes my two very best friends, my mother, and my very favorite cousin Tami. Other than that...I don't want to discuss it with you. 

And then, as if by miracle, this article appeared on facebook today posted by a friend.

I don't have anything to add to it.
It's basically perfectly written. And I'll leave it at that.

READ ME

Do-overs

Since I've been thinking lately about how I feel like I'm just sort if finding out who I am, I asked the question today on Twitter

"What would you do with your life if money wasn’t on object and/or you could go back and do it over again?"

Do you know I didn't get a response? Not from any of my 1500 followers. So are 1500 people ignoring me or is it a topic no one wants to think about?

I was thinking about all the things I would do if I didn't have to work and if I could re-do my life up until this point. I don't know if that's sad or unhealthy, but it was I was thinking about.

Remember as a child, there was nothing more you wanted to do but be a grown up? I wish I could bottle up what I'm feeling now and pass it to my nieces. 

Just because I'd want them to know that they should follow their hearts, but also think about money...and how lovely money is. :) 

They say money can't buy happiness, but I tend to disagree. I mean to an extent, I guess. If you're generally an unhappy person money isn't going to fix you. But if you're generally a happy person, money is totally going to enhance that. 

There's a famous piece of artwork that starts out by saying "If I could do it all over" ... Well, if I could do it all over maybe I'd realize there was more to this world. Maybe I'd move to New York and go to school there. Maybe I'd go and get a nursing degree or a law degree. Instead, I sort of feel like I took the easy way out. I went to a school close to home, roomed with a high school friend, partied and chose the easiest, lowest GPA major I could find. Would it change the course of where I ended up today? I don't know. 

So, the other side to the coin is right now...if I had money and didn't have to work, I'd do so much good. I'd volunteer and really spend my time making a difference, fighting injustices. I'd save a bunch if animals, I'd protest SeaWorld, I'd save Darfur, and I'd join the Peace Corps and go to third world countries and build schools and houses and give them water. I sometimes just wonder what my life's meaning is. 

Monday as a Noble Truth

Monday. You think I kid when I say I hate Monday. Yeah, ok, so everyone hates Monday, right? (If you don't, again, you're super weird.)
I hate it to the point that at about 3pm on Sunday I start throwing tantrums about the following day, wondering if there is some secret witchcraft potion I can take to make Monday not show up, wondering how I could get in touch with President Obama swiftly to make him understand that Monday should not be the start of the work week, and also trying to figure out time travel. So, there's that.

When I started looking at Buddhism and The Four Noble Truths Here, I have been trying to apply them to my life. *DISCLAIMER* I don't understand this shit. I'm not Ghandi. I'm just trying to read it and apply it in some way that sort of makes sense to me. Don't take this as gospel. Please, for the love of GOD, don't use my blog as gospel or your life is going to be royally screwed.

So the First Noble Truth talks about Suffering. It says "There is suffering."

"It is important to reflect upon the phrasing of the First Noble Truth. It is phrased in a very clear way: "There is suffering", rather than "I suffer". Psychologically, that reflection is a much more skilful way to put it. We tend to interpret our suffering as "I’m really suffering. I suffer a lot - and I don’t want to suffer." This is the way our thinking mind is conditioned.
"I am suffering" always conveys the sense of "I am somebody who is suffering a lot. This suffering is mine; I’ve had a lot of suffering in my life."

But note, we are not saying there is someone who has suffering. It is not personal suffering anymore when we see it as "There is suffering". It is not: "Oh poor me, why do I have to suffer so much? What did I do to deserve this? Why do I have to get old? Why do I have to have sorrow, pain, grief and despair? It is not fair! I do not want it. I only want happiness and security." This kind of thinking comes from ignorance which complicates everything and results in personality problems.

To let go of suffering, we have to admit it into consciousness."

If I look at this in the simple terms of hating Monday, I can whine about it all I want. It's still going to show its ugly head. It's about how I deal with it. I can blame whoever created the stupid work week and it's still going to show up. And I can complain and kick and scream or I can change my own attitude. If you apply that to larger parts of your life, it's the same thing. Stop complaining that everything sucks and DO SOMETHING about it. You can only play the victim for so long in your life and at some point it's on you to change the way you think, the way you act, and the way your life happens.

I'm still going to bitch about Monday, though. That's the fifth Noble Truth.