A defining number

I feel like I grow every day. I learn more about myself by the minute.

Yet...there's one thing that remains....my life is dominated by my weight and the scale. In fact, it is probably time that I see a therapist about it.
My weight and thinking about my weight dominates my existence. Every time I put something in my mouth, I wonder what it will do to the scale. I weigh myself in the morning and in the evening and daily and it's a cycle I can't break.
I know everyone says not to weigh yourself more than once a week and I'd love to be able to do that. I clearly have a brain disease (yeah, I know, more than one).

I am in constant fear of getting fat again. I know that no one sees that number but me but sometimes I feel like it's written on my forehead.
If I'm above a certain number it ruins my whole day. Or my whole night. Right now it' snowing outside and I'm working from home. But because I stepped on the scale when I got home, I have the urge to go out in the nasty ass weather, where the streets are slop and people are probably driving like idiots, and go to the gym. Actually, right now I'm praying for enough snow so that I can go out and shovel because anything is better than nothing.

In theory, that's not a bad thing. But when you take it to the extreme like I do, it becomes a problem.

I've started running again in the past couple months and I have definitely seen the change in my body again. My legs are getting stronger, my shoulders are getting slimmer, and my belly is too. And yet that number. That need to see that number is always there. That number takes away all my logic and it takes away the fact that my pants still fit and it steals my pride in how far I've come.

And yes, I've already set up an appointment to talk to a professional non crazy person about this.

Women and numbers

I step on the scale twice a day. It's a little obsessive, I'm not going to lie. Once in the morning when I get up and then once at night before I go to bed. It's part OCD and part keeping me honest. I have figured out that I'm usually about two pounds heavier at night than I am in the morning. Why I need to figure that out is beyond me. In fact, I actually don't need to figure that out. I shouldn't know that. That's unnecessary information that is filling my head and preventing me from memorizing more important things like the latest Justin Timberlake lyrics.
Reasons to avoid the scale
I was talking to a coworker today because I'm wearing a dress for the first time in, oh I don't know, like two years, and she asked me if I felt liberated. I told her I sort of did, but mostly I just had the nervous pees because I am super uncomfortable with showing this much skin. (Which for the record, is not that much, I am not wearing a mini skirt and a tube top).

Then we got to talking because she asked me what my deal was. And I said you know, I'm really hung up on the numbers. I think a lot of women are. That scale is a little bitch (pardon my french). I started my weight loss journey two years ago in a size 24 weighing 290 lbs. As of today I am in a size 10 and I weigh 187 lbs.
A size TEN people. That means I am ONE size away from being in single digits. I can do things like run a 5k with obstacles like climbing ropes and climbing over walls. I can Zumba for an hour and feel amazing. I can do a spin class for 45 min and ENJOY it. But that NUMBER. That number kills me. that 187...I want it to be 150. I want that number to be 150 and I would be happy. But would I? Would anyone? When is it enough? I don't know the answer to that. I know that I have severe body dysmorphia. I don't look in the mirror and see a size 10. I look in the mirror and I see a pooch. And my bat wing arms. And my fat knees. FAT KNEES? Are you kidding me? Who sees fat knees, honestly.

I need to learn how to accept myself. I'm not sure I know how to get there. Do you?