I step on the scale twice a day. It's a little obsessive, I'm not going to lie. Once in the morning when I get up and then once at night before I go to bed. It's part OCD and part keeping me honest. I have figured out that I'm usually about two pounds heavier at night than I am in the morning. Why I need to figure that out is beyond me. In fact, I actually don't need to figure that out. I shouldn't know that. That's unnecessary information that is filling my head and preventing me from memorizing more important things like the latest Justin Timberlake lyrics.
Reasons to avoid the scale
I was talking to a coworker today because I'm wearing a dress for the first time in, oh I don't know, like two years, and she asked me if I felt liberated. I told her I sort of did, but mostly I just had the nervous pees because I am super uncomfortable with showing this much skin. (Which for the record, is not that much, I am not wearing a mini skirt and a tube top).
Then we got to talking because she asked me what my deal was. And I said you know, I'm really hung up on the numbers. I think a lot of women are. That scale is a little bitch (pardon my french). I started my weight loss journey two years ago in a size 24 weighing 290 lbs. As of today I am in a size 10 and I weigh 187 lbs.
A size TEN people. That means I am ONE size away from being in single digits. I can do things like run a 5k with obstacles like climbing ropes and climbing over walls. I can Zumba for an hour and feel amazing. I can do a spin class for 45 min and ENJOY it. But that NUMBER. That number kills me. that 187...I want it to be 150. I want that number to be 150 and I would be happy. But would I? Would anyone? When is it enough? I don't know the answer to that. I know that I have severe body dysmorphia. I don't look in the mirror and see a size 10. I look in the mirror and I see a pooch. And my bat wing arms. And my fat knees. FAT KNEES? Are you kidding me? Who sees fat knees, honestly.
I need to learn how to accept myself. I'm not sure I know how to get there. Do you?
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