A defining number

I feel like I grow every day. I learn more about myself by the minute.

Yet...there's one thing that remains....my life is dominated by my weight and the scale. In fact, it is probably time that I see a therapist about it.
My weight and thinking about my weight dominates my existence. Every time I put something in my mouth, I wonder what it will do to the scale. I weigh myself in the morning and in the evening and daily and it's a cycle I can't break.
I know everyone says not to weigh yourself more than once a week and I'd love to be able to do that. I clearly have a brain disease (yeah, I know, more than one).

I am in constant fear of getting fat again. I know that no one sees that number but me but sometimes I feel like it's written on my forehead.
If I'm above a certain number it ruins my whole day. Or my whole night. Right now it' snowing outside and I'm working from home. But because I stepped on the scale when I got home, I have the urge to go out in the nasty ass weather, where the streets are slop and people are probably driving like idiots, and go to the gym. Actually, right now I'm praying for enough snow so that I can go out and shovel because anything is better than nothing.

In theory, that's not a bad thing. But when you take it to the extreme like I do, it becomes a problem.

I've started running again in the past couple months and I have definitely seen the change in my body again. My legs are getting stronger, my shoulders are getting slimmer, and my belly is too. And yet that number. That need to see that number is always there. That number takes away all my logic and it takes away the fact that my pants still fit and it steals my pride in how far I've come.

And yes, I've already set up an appointment to talk to a professional non crazy person about this.

Fat Shaming

Stop it. JUST STOP.
Who made you judge and jury? Who gave you the right to decide that you were better than someone else? I am so very sick of the discussions around how the only way to get overweight people to "get healthy" is to point out how fat and disgusting they are.
You know what? You're a bully. That's what you are. And I'm pretty sure they taught you in kindergarten that it wasn't NICE to bully.

A distant relative has been on a tirade lately on her facebook about fat people and how she's so tired of hearing them complain about how fat they are and how they should "just get off their asses and do something about it."
You know what? Go to hell.

This was my response.


Nicole Johansen I have a lot to say on this topic. As someone who once weighed 290 lbs "just do something about it" is easier said than done. I tried every diet known to man and unfortunately those who are naturally thin or spend their lives working out don't necessarily understand that "just do it" is sometimes impossible. I had to have surgical intervention. Which was right for me and it helped me get healthy. But to judge people is unacceptable. "Fat acceptance" isn't a thing. Acceptance in general is a thing. And it's not only personal acceptance but acceptance of others. Stop judging people when you don't know their situation, their mental state, or whether they have a medical condition, or anything of the sort. I agree food in this country is a joke. But that is two separate issues.
Nicole Johansen In addition, this whole fat shaming thing is bullying. Being fat doesn't mean a person is lazy or unhealthy. And honestly, this whole fat shaming thing is something that is not only demotivating for people but it can be paralytic. Why should I go to the gym when the size 6 is going to look at me and roll her eyes? People need to have their own defining moment and decide what it means for them to be healthy and do what is right for them. If someone is overweight, that is no one else's right to comment on or discuss.

The scale vs me

That scale....the one that sits in the corner stating at me, taunting me. The one that says I dare you to throw me away...because I know you'll last half a day with out me. 

That damn scale. 

The one that I get on religiously every morning. That one that I then get on religiously every night. 

That awful scale.

Although, if I'm being fair, it's not all the scale's fault. Whether I have the scale or don't have the scale, a healthy view of my body is not something I believe I will ever have. 

I wonder about that sometimes. What caused it? What could have prevented it? Anything? Certainly I always compared myself to my skinny friends, the ones who naturally wore a size 4. My grandma always used to comment on my weight to tell me how fat I was getting. What was it about me, that I won the slow metabolism lottery?

At any rate, here I am now. 115 lbs lighter. I ran two miles today. And yet I got on the scale when I got home and was disappointed with what I saw. 

That damn scale. 

Women and numbers

I step on the scale twice a day. It's a little obsessive, I'm not going to lie. Once in the morning when I get up and then once at night before I go to bed. It's part OCD and part keeping me honest. I have figured out that I'm usually about two pounds heavier at night than I am in the morning. Why I need to figure that out is beyond me. In fact, I actually don't need to figure that out. I shouldn't know that. That's unnecessary information that is filling my head and preventing me from memorizing more important things like the latest Justin Timberlake lyrics.
Reasons to avoid the scale
I was talking to a coworker today because I'm wearing a dress for the first time in, oh I don't know, like two years, and she asked me if I felt liberated. I told her I sort of did, but mostly I just had the nervous pees because I am super uncomfortable with showing this much skin. (Which for the record, is not that much, I am not wearing a mini skirt and a tube top).

Then we got to talking because she asked me what my deal was. And I said you know, I'm really hung up on the numbers. I think a lot of women are. That scale is a little bitch (pardon my french). I started my weight loss journey two years ago in a size 24 weighing 290 lbs. As of today I am in a size 10 and I weigh 187 lbs.
A size TEN people. That means I am ONE size away from being in single digits. I can do things like run a 5k with obstacles like climbing ropes and climbing over walls. I can Zumba for an hour and feel amazing. I can do a spin class for 45 min and ENJOY it. But that NUMBER. That number kills me. that 187...I want it to be 150. I want that number to be 150 and I would be happy. But would I? Would anyone? When is it enough? I don't know the answer to that. I know that I have severe body dysmorphia. I don't look in the mirror and see a size 10. I look in the mirror and I see a pooch. And my bat wing arms. And my fat knees. FAT KNEES? Are you kidding me? Who sees fat knees, honestly.

I need to learn how to accept myself. I'm not sure I know how to get there. Do you?